Sweetly scented, highly poisonous...

A gift from my Aunt a long time ago. A Lily of the Valley teacup for May.

It's been a minute.

Say you stumble in the middle of the night and fall into a well.
And whoooooshcrunch there you are broken at the bottom.
And you shred your hands in the effort to climb your way out.
And it takes a very long time.
It's not until you can look back into the well in full daylight that you realize just how deep it was.
You can't fathom how you were ever able to make it out.

I know I'll have setbacks. I recognize I'll stumble again. The truth is it doesn't always get better. Sometimes it gets vastly worse. All you can do is try to prepare yourself for when it gets bad so you can get better on the other side.

I've had this feeling before. Especially when I've recalled school, mostly 7th through 12th grade, I wonder how I did it. Getting very little sleep at night from anxiety. Early morning. Every day. Overwhelmed by too many people and too much noise and chronic stress and illness and no relief. Objectively, I know I got through it by being a suicidal zombie, which isn't any way to be. But I can look back and awe that I didn't blow my brains out every day. I got to the other side.

Here I am on the other side again.
For the last few months I have noticed, in small ways and big, that my sensory experience is vastly different than it was for roughly the last four years. My 'normal' during that time was to have a panic attack if I felt too cold or too hot or needed to burp or felt hungry or full or from watching a movie or for seemingly no reason at all.
My nervous system was on a hair-trigger for every tiny little bit of stimulation. And every response was a grenade going off in my ribcage, ripping my limbs from my body, sending me in a terrorized scramble to collect them... even though they were right there where they should be, attached to me just fine.
But surely they couldn't be when I felt like I'd been blown apart.

I know things about myself now. I know that when I'm totally fucked up and in a panicked state, but trying to hold it together, my right arm twitches involuntarily. My elbow swings away from my body, pulsing by my side. I know that the smaller anxious moments make me yawn compulsively and grip and massage my collarbones and neck without thinking about it.

I yawn a lot still.

But the grenades are gone.

So now I can eat full meals. And have seconds!
And I can watch an icky scene in Orphan Black and laugh through it.
I can go through the majority of my days feeling stable. The steadiness is so palpable. It's remarkable.
It's so distinct that I know even a year ago I was nowhere near this.

I turn 30 in a week and I'm a total failure by normal people standards.
But hey, for the first time in four years, I can eat seconds!
Win!

Got hired for a temporary little job creating questions for a trivia app... the Kpop section. It pays to be knowledgeable about an obscure niche of a niche bit of pop culture.

Got asked to contribute to a tumblr typography project for Hank Green Out of Context, which will probably be posted within the week. Mine will certainly be the least competent of the bunch, in the typographical sense. It's not something I've studied/practiced. But I did a playful Illuminated Manuscript dealio, which is kind of hilariously stupid.

JUNSU IS MAKING ONE MORE ALBUM BEFORE ENLISTMENT.

Bless goddess Hani for dating him so he would delay military to be with his lady-love for a little while longer. I mostly just want to marry her myself. I usually don't take much interest in female idols, but she's the anti-idol and I love her dearly.



EXID has a similar rapport to what DBSK had back in the day. Their company is less strict though. Would never have gotten a drunken, spastic, performance like this from an SM group.
Hani is fucking precious.
And Solji's voice is fierce af.

Arsenal's season utterly fell apart for the 2nd half of the season. Lol. And Leicester have had this fairytale, planets aligning, prophecy fulfillment of a prophecy that never was. And while most everyone hates little Leicester now, Arsenal fans are rooting for them to beat Tottenham... because Tottenham. If Chelsea beats them tomorrow, I believe it becomes impossible for them to beat Leicester for the league.

That'll be a fun game.

Back to work!

Too many things...

Football

Özil was on an insane roll during the first half of the season. Assist-machine is an understatement. Around the holidays I thought of doing this Norman Rockwell mash-up with the Gunners. His PR people started a little contest for memes/comics/sketches related to his assist record, so I figured I participate with the idea. Not concerned with the contest really, I just think it's cool of him/his people to do fun things like that.

Kicked it out rather rapidly to preserve my fingers, so it looks sloppy as all get-out to me. Lol.

Been a wild season. Leiscester is still top. Arsenal just beat them in a massive game over the weekend... with a goal assisted by Mesut to Welbeck in literally the last minute of the game.

Near pissed myself.

Politics

I've always participated in terms of researching and voting, but also felt it's all pretty bullshit-y and helpless. For the first time in my life I get to vote for someone I sincerely want to be the president. Not a lesser of evils or whatever. My ideals have alignment with an actual candidate... remarkable!

Bernie, of course.

Bernie Bernie Bernie.

There was a time when I 'supported' Hillary, because it seemed likely she would run in the future and she would have aligned a lot closer than anyone else I had seen. And even now, if it got to be her as the nominee, I would feel relatively comfortable in voting for her.

Then she started campaigning in earnest. And against Bernie. And it all turned to shit.

At this point it feels like a betrayal. With the absolute clusterfuck happening on the Republican side there was this extraordinary golden opportunity for the Democrats to show a positive, intelligent, and united front. They started out that way... a bit. But then instead of steadily and logically expressing the differences between the Dems and their reasons for their platforms, Hillary made an about-face. She started eating her own. Attacked the other guys by straw-manning and misrepresenting their positions on the major issues and disparaging them.

Especially now that it's just her and Bernie, she does this constantly, which is especially ridiculous because Bernie's record is rock solid. And when Bernie accurately refers to her inconsistent record she gets hyper-defensive, calling it an attack, sexism, harassment, and "artful smear".

WTF.

And the polls show I'm not the only one WTF-ing. It's clear that the group of people voting for her are people unfamiliar with her record, leaning on name recognition and assuming everything she says is true.

She's overwhelmingly distrusted by young people. I'm convinced it's because young people are using the internet, researching her record, seeing videos like this one where we hear her own words out of her own mouth... and her claims of consistency become instantly hollow and dishonest.

And a longer one.

I agree with Bernie here. It's not exactly a problem that she has changed her mind on things, but it's the way she now claims consistency during debates. She knows her constituency won't check what she says. So she just states that she has always had the position she currently has even though that's bullshit.

I'm so angry about this I don't want to vote for her at all. Even if she's the nominee over Bernie.

I'd rather vote for Jill Stein or write in Bernie. It's just so fucking aggravating that she had the opportunity to be honest, forthright, and strong... she would have been an easy shoo-in. But she or her people thought it would make her look stronger to bullshit and attack the other Democrats.

Utter fuck-up as I see it.

At any rate, BERNIE SANDERS FOR PRESIDENT.

Scalia died over the weekend. Holy shit. The Republicans are crapping their pants and warning Obama against replacing him during an election year. That he shouldn't even bother and let the 'American people' choose based on who becomes the President. Lunatics. We voted for Obama twice. He's got a year left. That's his responsibility and we gave it to him.

I sincerely think the Republicans have lost their damn minds. I've watched every debate on both sides. It's a fucking circus over there. I'd be horrified if I was a Republican to see that total shit-show. It's a farce.

Also been watching the Flint crisis, which is heinous beyond words.

Thinking often of MLK's Three Evils of Society. Greed. Racism. War.

Thinking often of Chaplin's Great Dictator.

I was raised on Star Trek. Measure of a Man. The Drumhead. Who Watches the Watchers.

I can't help but crave utopian ideals. How can there ever be change if we are constantly leaning backwards into stagnation and the status quo?

JYJ

The variety show hilarity they recorded right before Jaejoong enlisted will be coming out soon. Really takes me back to the old days seeing the clips/highlights. Laughter and tears all the way through.

Yoochun released a mini-album out of frickin' nowhere. We kinda knew he had recorded something before enlistment, but nothing had been said about it. Then BAM... mini.

Jaejoong released his full album just a few days ago, which we were expecting. Another lovely rock album, more diverse than WWW, but less heavy.



My favorite track is Run Away, largely because it's just so different for him. Really ethereal. And so much English! Unusual.

Junsu Dracula'd the hell out of Dracula for the 2nd run. Ripping his throat apart in the process, like ya do.



He'll have a small Japanese tour in the Spring. I'm guessing he'll enlist sometime in the Summer.

---

I'm hungry.
Peace.

P4A 2015 Recap...

Vlogritte John

Vlogritte Hank

The Vlogbrothers mashed-up with surrealist painter René Magritte.
Based on Magritte’s ‘La clef des songes’ where he juxtaposed ordinary objects with seemingly unrelated words. But I’ve given it a twist. The uninitiated would not see any relationship between the objects and the words, but my fellow nerdfighters probably will.

VLOGRITTE JOHN

Sharpies - Les étoiles (Stars): Referencing John’s primary occupation as author, the great impact of The Fault in Our Stars, and the enormous amount of Sharpies he used to sign more than 150,000 copies of the book.

Peanut Butter - La punition (Punishment): Everyone knows the only way to make the internet pay attention to news is via peanut butter face. Punishments and challenges have become such an integral part of online and vlogging culture.

Pizza - John: Inspired this whole idea. It had to be a thing. Pizza John a la Magritte. Hank explains how the original happened. Also, Happy late Pizzamas!

Egg - Le yéti (The Yeti): Initially, John’s very awesome wife was never seen on camera or spoken of by name, thusly, The Yeti. But more recently, Sarah has been cultivating our appreciation and understanding of art through The Art Assignment, sharing her knowledge and skill earned through a ton of study and curation. The egg is one of Magritte’s commonly repeated images, so it all comes back around to the inspiration. Here, it’s a symbol of John and Sarah teaching us, entertaining us, and helping us grow and think about the world in new ways.

VLOGRITTE HANK

2D Glasses - La baudroie (Anglerfish): Hank appears to have approximately a gajillion projects going at any time, which is hard to express with one object. I used the 2D glasses to represent the sciency, nerdy, creative, and oddball ideas that Hank has ‘made a thing’. And apparently La baudroie is not precisely an anglerfish, but it will have to do! Here representing Hank’s development as a musician and the delightfully deep Song About an Anglerfish.

Bunny Peep - La route (Road): Yet another popular community challenge, because eating a ton of peeps while explaining really horrifying world problems and hoping to decrease said worldsuck is a thing. And the road is paved with peeps on Nerdfighteria Island.

Corndog - Hank: Who the eff is Hank? Hank is a sausage covered in cornbread batter and deep fried. Hank + corndog = OTP..

Leaves - Le weegie: Leaves for EcoGeek and Hank’s effort to support and encourage technologies that don’t damage the environment and reverse some of the damage we’ve already done. Also a commonly repeated Magritte image. Le weegie is a silly play on words to represent Katherine’s contributions to GamesWithHank and Wii Wednesdays… as Luigi. Weegie! Master of Science, awesome singer, Christmas Tree wrangler, caretaker of animals… The Katherine, whose warmth and enthusiasm is contagious in the best way.

---

The process: acrylic paint on paper 16x20. Had to cut it down to fit in the scanner and stitch it back together. Some prismacolor pencil for details. Touch-up in photoshop.

Made fifteen 8x10 prints of each and doubled them up for fifteen perks.

Posted them on tumblr and got a lovely response. Lots of likes and reblogs, which is super sweet.

The Project for Awesome was wonderful as usual. Streamed as much as possible. Much silliness was had. Hitting one million was a highlight. Hank, Henry, Destin, and ViHart singing wildly. Lol. Great fun with sciency people.

A very successful P4A!

Winter Meditations

Winter Meditations (formerly Winter Zen)

It poured rain at times over the last couple days. Come at me, El Niño!
Above: Refreshed the doodle I did in February '14. Now available for purchase.
Working on so many things that I've just gotten to completion... took a bit of a break to make a metric fuckton of Ikea furniture for the family office/room. And to watch how my hand does.
I procrastinated too long on the Project for Awesome Art Perks. Did a ton of long-term preparation since last year, but was in such a psychological funk this year that I couldn't find the motivation until really late. Got it done though. I'll cover that in the next post. Anyway, got a couple swollen spots on my fingers, but only slight, and I've wrapped/taped them so diligently from the start that I think I've prevented a full-blown episode. Woo! Means I'll be able to keep working on things.

Once the furniture situation is handled I'll focus on end-of-the-year Kpop stuff. The annual re-coding Kpoppy.com, this time with the new Bootstrap, finalizing my 2015 Best Of playlist, and getting started on a History of Kpop piece I've had in my head for a while... aiming to finish it sometime next year.
Also a couple of commissions to crank out before the New Year. Fun stuff. 

---

Arsenal was having a nice start to the season. Mesut has been on fire. Broke a record for assists in consecutive games. And a few goals to boot. Really rough November for the team though. Got hit with the curse of injuries again. Almost the entire starting 11 with knocks. Mes is the last man standing. Lol. *Knocks wood*
Been a weird season. Leicester kicking ass and Chelsea in an epic downward spiral of failure, both quite delightful to witness.



Jae and Chun serving well in the military. I'm more comfortable with all that now. Junsu released a mini-album (awesome), just finished a tour with it (awesomer), will feature at the upcoming Epik High concert (even awesomer), will have 3 days of his Musical/Ballad concert to end the year (awesomest), then will have a 2nd run of Dracula early next year (awesome x infinity), and probably wind down around then to start his service. We'll see. Jaejoong will have his pre-enlistment album out in February. Also the 'JYJ Bill' passed, which is attempting to make blacklistings of that nature punishable by law. Many folks celebrated that they'd be able to be on TV again. But those who are better informed know that it mainly just reiterates and confirms the current situation as illegal and corrupt, but you can't force broadcasters to have JYJ on TV. They'll just continue to make arbitrary/creative excuses that they can't get in trouble for... and the exile will remain. It's nice to have it out there though. On principle. And that it's named after them.

PSY had his first proper comeback after Gangnam Style.

Took a screencap when I first watched it. 328 views. Just checked and it's currently 25 million views. In 4 days. Ridiculous. Lmao. I prefer Napal Baji, which is just shy of 7 million currently. Been looking forward to what he might do for a long while. In the lead-up to the album he announced the collabs, one of which was Junsu. Nearly peed myself from sheer glee. Their track turned out to be my favorite on the album. It's a lovely tribute to the late Shin Hae Chul. And Junsu sings the hell out of it. His tone is great for it--both emotional and bright. It's called 'Dream'. Touching lyrics.

Mad sleepy. Off to bed.