The Seamstress returns...

From this mess of an etching that I abandoned... to the new graphite version above. It'll probably go through another iteration at some point. The figure still has proportion problems that annoy me. And color. Maybe. I kind of dig the sepia though, even with it overpowering as it is. I should do something more with fabric. I like drawing fabric.

Rattled and rolled...

Big ol' earthquake here.
6.0 near American Canyon. About 25 miles southeast of us.

Just now able to type. Whole body was shaking hard for a while. I was still awake, as usual, watching Youtube. That eerie rumble started. Kind of an up and down jolting swell at the start. Then a proper long roller for about 30 seconds. I stumbled to the doorway of my room and called out "Earthquake!" aloud, 'cause my folks sounded startled and confused having been woken by it. Then they scrambled to join me in the hallway. Kept going for a bit longer.

Whew. Gonna be checking the earthquake preparedness kit and keep it close for the next week or so.

The next strongest earthquake I've felt was in '02-'03... can't remember. That was an even 5.0 with an epicenter about a quarter-mile from here. It was extremely violent. Side-to-side. About 15 seconds. Couldn't even stay upright while sitting on the floor for that one.

This one freaked me out more though. Just felt like it went on and on and on. Long loping rolls. Like being on the teetering deck of a tiny ship in a stormy ocean with swells and swells and swells. There's hardly been a shudder here since then. I've thought about it from time to time for a few years. Seemed like we were long overdue for something larger.

I freakin' love Twitter. Nice to go there immediately and have info and confirmation from around the Bay. Reddit, too. It pays to be on your computer at odd hours sometimes. Luckily we didn't lose power.

Settled down pretty nice here now. Glad my bodily tremors have mostly dissipated. Deep breaths and sighs.

Deep breaths and sighs.

Solutions...

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Robin Williams killed himself. I won't make any assumptions about his state of mind or circumstance, but it's interesting to see how people react to a high-profile suicide. The sentiment I have seen repeatedly this time around is that suicide is "A permanent solution to a temporary problem". I think Williams may have said that himself. Again, I won't assume he meant it or not. It's probably something I would be inclined to say if I was a famous celebrity, though I don't believe it myself.

It's always that dream for me. I believe I've mentioned it here somewhere. I suffocated to death in a dream and it was the most real dream I've ever experienced. As far as I was concerned, I had died, and it was wholly convincing. To the degree that I woke from it more confused than I have ever been.

Many have said that Williams might have not done it if he was interrupted or someone told him how much he was loved. Said he would regret it if he was thinking clearly and had time to reflect.

All I know is that I regretted waking.
I regretted that the relief was stolen from me.
I regretted that it was all a dream.
Many years have passed and I still do. More than ever.

There are 7 billion or so of us on the planet. Maybe a 100 billion have ever been born. There is no way that each and every one of those brains could be fully functional and fully capable of coping with self-awareness and existence through every moment. Some of us have brains that cause us to suffer, to be deceived by our own perception, or to be overwhelmed by default--whether depression or any other number of neurological difficulties. These are not always temporary problems. These are problems that can last as long as life does. Permanent problems. Problems where the only true solution is suicide. The universe does not owe anyone peace or comfort or stability and I personally think suicide can be a rational choice for those who are too exhausted or in too much pain to wait for relief that may never arrive.

Drugs? Sure. A temporary solution. And one that I see as a kind of suicide. All we are is our brains. Alter them and we are not what we were before. The old mind died to be replaced with a new and different one. The way I see it, we live many lives-- we live and die thousands of times. We age, we learn, alter ourselves, and we change into new people. For many, drugs can provide an excellent fresh set of lives, which is wonderful, but it can be a crap-shoot too arduous to suit everyone. One of those many lives will be the end of the story. I find no fault in choosing which life will be the last. It's all the same process to me.

We are forced to exist. We do not consent to it. But we can consent to how and when we cease.

If there was a button I could push. One that would *poof* me out of existence and out of the lives and memories of everyone I've ever known... a supreme "Obliviate!" if you will... I would press it now. I would have pressed it many years ago. And from where I sit now, it would have been a good decision. Because it can't always 'get better'. It can get worse. Much worse.

But there is no such button. So I stay.
It's not a great way to live... patiently waiting around to be given ethical permission to check out. I wouldn't recommend it.
But I'll stay. Try to contribute. And try to be as little a burden on the planet as I can be. And try to not feel guilty about that because apparently I'm not supposed to.

But I know every time someone talks about cowardice, or selfishness, or 'temporary problems' when it comes to suicide, I know they are privileged to not understand. I am hurt that they misunderstand so deeply. But I'm also happy that they've never felt what must be felt to understand at all.

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Something lighter next time. JYJ's new album, because it's beautiful.