Awesome and more awesome...

FINGER STATUS:

IT'S HEALING SO QUICKLY! Historically it has taken at least a full month to recover from that level of blow-up. I took these pictures a few days ago. Christmas tree background. The fingers don't just look dramatically better, they feel even better than they look. I already have full range of motion and minimal soreness. The heat baths, man. All about those heat baths! I have no idea what's happening there, but I'LL TAKE IT!

Project for Awesome is overrrrrr!

It was a glorious time. I got a couple perks. The calendar, which is tradition, and the nerdfighter art perk, which I contributed to. Excited to get someone else's work. Woo. The livestream of night two was hysterically weird and wonderful, which seems to happen every year. Sleep deprivation and lots of fun guests makes for some fantastic chaos.

The total donations is at $1,187,869 right now. And up to $678,402 at the indiegogo campaign page. But it doesn't officially shut down until the 16th. I believe the grand total last year was about $800,000. So, like... damn. Just gets bigger and bigger every year. And this year even had a little blip 'cause it got moved earlier by almost a week at the last minute. Makes me look forward to next year even more. I'll prepare art perks earlier next time!

Took my first selfie on MY NEW TABLET as the donations updated to over a million. So awesome! Not the selfie... the P4A success. Not really a selfie person. But I did start an instagram. It will be mostly art though.

I want to say some words about the tablet. It's the Nvidia Shield Tablet. I've had it for about a week now and I love the hell out of it. Good decisions were made. I'm so happy with it. Takes a lot of pressure off of nighttime work to have seen a bunch of news/social media/youtube sub videos earlier in the day. I can usually get through a podcast while I'm washing dishes. And I'm on a more satisfying fitness schedule. And, most importantly, it's going to work great for checking KPOPPY's responsive-ness (and future sites).

It's dark in here, but this is it:

Comparisons to my computer monitor. My tumblr page and the new responsive KPOPPY I'm working on for launch in the new year. I've been posting highlights of the P4A perks I drew/painted and they've gotten waaaaaaaay more attention than anything I've put on tumblr... other than the first ballet sketch. Really grateful to be part of a supportive/creative community like nerdfighteria.

And the responsive design works reeeeaaaallly well even though I coded it all without testing it on any device. The dropdown menu is a little clunky and I need to adjust some column widths, but otherwise it's great. Gonna add some new graphics and work on a poster for the rest of the year. That's my focus!

But I'm also really excited to get back to drawing already. Usually I can't even imagine wanting to draw stuff after a blow-up, but I'm there! I want to! I'll resist for a while to allow for more complete healing, but I'm itching to get back to work regardless!

It's Junsu's birthday. The fancams from the second Osaka show are absolutely adorable. The next post will definitely be a JYJ post. IT WILL HAPPEN.

Oh, and #hellastorm happened. Lol. We've been hit hard here over the last week in the Bay Area with a Pineapple Express. Rain. So much rain. It's fantastic for the drought, but... rain. SO MUCH.

I've neglected the birds a bit because of it. Gonna remedy that tomorrow. Although, it's raining again I think. XD

Rain or shine.

I just glanced through my twitter notifications. Never did I ever think my most viewed tweet would become part of a worldwide trend of #butfart and #butfartman.

@smartereveryday @P4A Butfarts for Destin. Seeing money under a microscope was never so entertaining as this! pic.twitter.com/KJp5lUVa2B
— AlleyBetwixt (@AlleyBetwixt) December 14, 2014

Life is weird.
That's the P4A night-stream for ya.

Huzzah.

More fingers...

Just sat through like 7 hours of the 2014MAMAs.
Vastly improved production-wise. Usually the show is plagued with terrible audio, bad camerawork, and generally looking scraped together. At least since it changed from MKMF. So much better this year.
Just needs moar JYJ. :P

Alright. Only a quick post.

FINGER STATUS:

Everything on the de-swell, believe it or not. Ring finger looks trashed and the skin is cracking at the knuckles, but it feels a lot better. Pinkie and thumb de-swelling. Middle finger mild sensitivity. The worst is my index finger. One of the epicenters is right up under my fingernail, which feels pretty hideous. What was that old POW torture? Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? Might feel something akin to that. Lol. That's probably going to take the longest to heal.

Everything else looks to be headed in a good direction.

w00t.

Going to carefully record what happens with that ring fingernail. I guarantee it will look like a battlefield when that sucker grows out.

Something to look forward to!

Pouring rain for days. Lightning and thunder.

Feels like winter.

Awesome.

Oh, and I bought an Nvidia Shield Tablet. *squee*

It should be arriving tomorrow. GET HYPED.

Out!

Done and dusted...

45 completed.
WOO!
They're packaged in groups of three and on their way to the P4A perks gathering place. Took about a month of work. Many continuous hours over the last two weeks. Abused my body in the process. A vicious knot over my right shoulder blade. Neck aching. Sleep-deprived. Too sedentary. And my fingers are all wrecked, thumb included. I won't be doing any art for the next two weeks. At least nothing that requires holding a tool of some sort. Might do some Illustrator work since it's just clicking paths into place. I'm typing this entirely with my left hand at the moment. Lol.

Totally worth it though. The Project for Awesome will be in a couple weeks. I'm very happy to contribute to the cause.

Here are some highlights out of the 45.

It's all Vlogbrothers/Nerdfighter stuff. I'm really pleased with the results.

The packaging is cute, too. Little brown paper envelopes with handmade stickers to close.

That's the look of glorious victory.

And also aching fingers. XD
I've even been taping my thumb, which is super tricky to do with the need for so much bend at the knuckle. It's quite furious with me, to say the least.

While working on this, I was reminded that most folks don't have to worry about using scissors or pencils for a few minutes. And also that I used to not have to worry about it. I went 20 some-odd years without having to limit tool use, and now I can hardly relate to what that must have been like.

Sad thoughts.

I'm now in the indecisive mode of how to encourage healing. Tight taping to stifle swelling? No taping? Heat soaks? Ice? Pure rest? Normal use? I wish I knew what it was. I'm tempted to take prednisone, which I know works, but the side-effects are miserable.

Just gonna tough it out and monitor recovery along the way.

FINGER STATUS

Little epicenters everywhere. My pinkie is the first to be fully swelling. Can't bend it much. Ring finger looks like I took a hammer to it. Small puffy spots on the middle finger. It's the least affected actually. The tip of my index finger is beginning to be unbearably sensitive. The thumb also has the hammered look going on at the knuckle, but the worst pain is around the side of the pad.

Mess.

I've had a few nights now where the overall ache and prickling is keeping me awake and it will probably get worse.

It's not all doom and gloom. It was a good test to see how much I can push it while also taping religiously. And I got some fun art out of it. S'all good.

Also got through all of Star Trek:TOS. I'll post on that at some point. Hoo boy. It really never improved. -___-

But next post will probably be about JYJ. I still want to say a few words about the album. Plus, they're currently on a dome tour in Japan and releasing a new single. They are singing Begin during the concert encore. EMOSHINKI. The tears. THE TEARS I HAVE SHED. T___T

Hajimarusaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Oh, and I think I'm switching lanes to the Nvidia Shield Tablet instead of the Nexus 9. Android Lollipop rolled out for the Shield a few days ago and I think that just sold it for me. Waiting to see if there will be any Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals that become the determining factor.

K. I'm done.

In the thick of it...

May have been a bit ambitious. Ha!
I've been hunched over paints and pencils and stencils for a couple weeks. Now on the homestretch. I need to get these Project4Awesome art perks ready to ship by next Friday.

Cut up a ton of squares from old printmaking paper.
Mixed acrylics and painted them all for backgrounds.
Below are some progress pictures while I was stenciling the Nerdfighter salute logos.

Stenciled what I could. Everything else is hand-painted and drawn with Prismacolor pencils.

I'm eyeball-deep in this mess now. Lol. It's all the most focused, meticulous, detail-work for the rest.

Still aiming for 45 pieces, but my fingers are starting to get really angry with me. Taping religiously has kept me from a full-blown swelling episode, but there are a few spots that are on the way. Depending on how well my hand withstands the next couple days that number may need to change. We'll see.

Then it will be packaging and mailing. Woohoo!

FINGER STATUS:

It feels as good as it looks. My thumb is unfortunately untape-able, because it's too restrictive. But it has also had far fewer blow-ups than my other fingers, so it's still pretty manageable. The ring finger is a mess, but taping is keeping the swelling down and keeping my mobility. Lots of other sensitive/raw/threatening areas, but all tolerable thus far. I wonder how I'll be in a week!

Time to get back to work.

Refreshing...

I'm painting again.

I crafted that shelf for my paints I mentioned in the last post.
Cardboard, tape, and hot glue.
Booyah.

It's a chimera of leftover IKEA cardboard, sketchbook backs, cardstock, and the packaging from a wii (the blue tray at the bottom). The left side half-shelf is from a tower shelf unit in my closet, where I didn't need one of the shelves anymore. So that's propped in there. And everything fits nice and it's glorious.

And I'm painting again after five years.

Initially I started off with making copies of a Kandinsky and part of a Mucha--pieces I've wanted to do for a loooong time. But then all the official info came out for the upcoming Project 4 Awesome Art Perk submissions... and I've thrown myself into the ring. I had already started planning, but figured I'd do it next year. Then decided, "Fuck it!" and I'm doing it this year. I'll talk about it in more detail once I'm further along. I'm making 30 to 45 mini paintings.

We'll see how it goes.

Also re-designing some of my online presence. Going for something more consistent across everything. This blog and my tumblr feed now look like fraternal twins. Just wanted to go super clean. A few more things to add, but I'm refreshed by the change. I suppose it mirrors the room overhaul. Feels good.

Came across a ton of old photos during the chaos, including this gem.

Yep.

Hat-face.

It's a good look.

I don't know why it didn't catch on.

I'm assuming my brother had something to do with this.

Classy.

Seven... or eight years old, roughly? Not sure. Started growing my hair out when I was about nine I think. Hasn't been shorter than this since I was that age. My hair is so long right now. And it's Autumn, so it's doing it's annual shed, plus age and stress, I feel like there is more of my hair on the floor than on my head right now. -___-

-----

Listening to Seo Taji and EPIK HIGH's new albums. Pretty great.

Özil got injured enough to be out until the end of the year. Arsenal is struggling badly this season. He was also apparently involved with some woman during the Spring that isn't his girlfriend. Lol. Footballers. Jackasses, the lot of 'em. A lot of fangirls lost their minds. I guess I'm not that bothered by infidelity. Not because it's Mes. I think I'm just too disconnected from the idea of romantic relationships to care... or be surprised. *shrug*

I have my eye on that new Nexus 9. It's $400.
But I think it's perfect for my needs. Trying to decide if I wait until it's actually out and reviewed or if I should pre-order it already. It will be my first 'smart' device of any kind. I have a very oldschool cell-phone, which I barely use. But I've been carefully researching and considering having a more mobile/accessible gadget to use away from my computer. I think I'm going to be pulling the trigger on this Nexus.

Hoo boy.

Junsu has been in LA for the last week with his buddies. He tweeted a series from all the Halloween-related haunted-house stuff that is set up in Universal Studios for the month. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Dracula all up in those zombies, tweetin' and making fun of his screaming friends. He really killed Dracula, too. The musical. The reviews sounded incredible and the few videos available looked spectacular.

Yoochun is still promoting Haemoo. Apparently it got an Oscar nomination? Or is expected to? Big movie. Pretty cool he was a part of it.

It's freezing in here, so I better stop typing before my fingers actually do blow up.
Feel like I'm treading on thin ice with the painting projects.
*knocks on wood*
Gently!
:P

Building still...

 The room is nearly settled. A few more bits and bobs to sort out. There is one more piece of furniture to either make or buy. A shelving grid for paint storage. But today I worked on this pen/pencil rack to go in one of the IKEA drawers. Figured I could buy one for 30 bucks or make some use of all the spare cardboard I have collected over the years.

Constructed the box out of some cardboard sketchbook backs and covered in white cardstock. Then used a bunch of the cardstock to double-over and slice all the component pieces for the slotted grid.

TOOK  FOREVER.

F-O-R-E-V-E-R

But the result is exactly what I needed. Huge space-saver.

Here it is in the drawer, all filled up. The Butterfinger and Smarties tins are full of Sharpies and my set of drawing pencils, respectively. Altoid container has lead and eraser refills.

YATTAAAAAAA!

Restructuring...

My room is in need of some refreshment and restructuring.

IKEA happened. Been planning this out for a couple months.

Got everything on Monday and built it all over the last couple days.

These two 2 x 2 KALLAX shelves. They will go back-to-back with some kind of scrap wood fit across the whole top as an artsy work surface. There will just be two of the drawer inserts on one side.

Next, this tall 2 x 4 KALLAX will go in my closet with the other two drawer inserts in there somewhere. Mostly for clothing/linen storage. I'm not a fan of closed-in dressers.

Champion's League game in the background. Lol. Arsenal got beat by Dortmund. :(

I'll be cleaning the hell outta the room tonight and tomorrow. Then I'll move everything in and I'M SO EXCIIIITED. Feels good to get a proper clean-out going after so much has just built up and idled over the last few years while my life fell apart.

I'll take some more pictures when it's all moved in and stocked. Woo!

Stars, death, and Death Stars...

I'm re-reading the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman. I first read it in... 8th grade? Which was... 15... 16 years ago? Oh my. Ahem. I loved them. Super interesting books. The major over-arching theme is science vs. the church, but it's a fun adventure story along the way. It also gets very dark. But it's very visual and imaginative, which always gets my brain pumping. I'm also looking forward to when the larger religion/science stuff gets bigger, because when I first read these books, I was still a 'believer' at least in a pantheistic kind of sense. I wonder what I'll get out of it as an atheist. They really could have made great movies. The Golden Compass adaptation was beautifully done, up to a point. The anti-church themes were diluted and then the plot was chopped right before the most critical point in the narrative at the end. Strange decision. The Catholic Church railed against the film enough that the rest of the series will probably never be made anyway.

This is why we can't have nice things.

So, I'm reading that and I've been watching some space-related stuff and some CERN studies and I'm trying to watch through the Star Wars: Clone Wars animated series on Netflix. I guess I'm just in a space, physics, celestial kind of mood. Spent a few hours drawing last night and pooped out this piece above. Not that it's good, it's a mess, but I had fun just starting and finishing something in one session. I'm working on so many other long-term projects right now, it's making me a bit nutty. I should do this more often. The one-night sessions.


Lots of star deaths recently. There was Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall and Joan Rivers... among others. And lots of 'holy shit I'm terrified of the world' deaths with the ISIS beheadings and Gaza and Ukraine. And something I've been dreading since I got into Kpop--a girl group, Ladies' Code, was travelling by van  after midnight, in a rainstorm, after finishing work... car accident. Three of the girls were in the car along with some staff members and I believe their manager was driving. One of the Ladies' Code girls died almost immediately it seems. EunB. And after a few days of risky surgeries, another of the girls succumbed to her injuries and passed away. RiSe.

South Korea doesn't have strict traffic laws or seatbelt laws. Many idols have gotten in wrecks over the years. Some with pretty brutal injuries. It's almost always the case that they're racing to their next scheduled activity, exhausted, driver exhausted, at odd hours of night, in bad weather. But after all those times, nothing was done. The industry doesn't change to protect these kids. And now two of them are dead.

I've personally lost a couple friends in car accidents, not their fault at all, in their early 20s, just barely beginning their lives. Being at the funeral of one of them was a gutting experience. Hearing parents beg for their children to be returned to them... distraught siblings... there aren't words really. You experience it once and it's too much. And that's just proximity. I could never have kids. I just couldn't do that. Whatever the balance of risk and reward. I couldn't. I can't stop thinking about the parents of those girls. The Sewol Ferry disaster. It hasn't been a good year for Korea and Kpop. The Ladies' Code girls really tore me up, because I so closely follow everything nowadays as I maintain Kpoppy. A lot of those idols are like friends to me. They have that kind of familiarity. One-sided, of course, but brains don't really register much of a difference. And selfishly and sickeningly I think of the JYJ guys and what I would do if something happened to them It's a miracle they've had only minor scrapes at this point. They travel so much and have stalkers following them dangerously all the time. Ugh. I don't know what I would do.

Ugh.

Should I not care so much? Am I not supposed to? How are you supposed to manage that line. Go through life uncaring of anything so as never to be hurt. Or care so much about things that the loss of them destroys you. What the hell do you do?

I'm still so shaken. I won't say anymore on it.


Clone Wars is getting slightly more interesting now. I'm nearing the end of the 6th season. One more season to go. I still don't know how I feel about Star Wars. I was raised on Star Trek. Star Wars always felt so cheap and simple by comparison. Still does. This animated series hasn't improved my opinion much, but it is nice-looking. BUT! I am excited about the new Star Wars movies forthcoming. Five in total slated, I think? A new trilogy and a couple stand-alones for Han Solo and Boba Fett. I like what JJ Abrams did (mostly) with the new Star Trek movies. I think he could do a good job with Star Wars. Well, there's no way he'd do worse than the prequels. Right? Lol. Star Wars could be something really beautiful and expansive. I always wished for that. The idea is there. Maybe we'll finally have something that meets it's potential.

Still struggling to get through the Star Trek original series. Oh gawd. I drag myself through one or two at a time and then have to avoid it for a couple weeks. The sexist stuff is just unbearable. Lmao. I'm clinging to Nimoy and Takei to get me through. XD

The Seamstress returns...

From this mess of an etching that I abandoned... to the new graphite version above. It'll probably go through another iteration at some point. The figure still has proportion problems that annoy me. And color. Maybe. I kind of dig the sepia though, even with it overpowering as it is. I should do something more with fabric. I like drawing fabric.

Rattled and rolled...

Big ol' earthquake here.
6.0 near American Canyon. About 25 miles southeast of us.

Just now able to type. Whole body was shaking hard for a while. I was still awake, as usual, watching Youtube. That eerie rumble started. Kind of an up and down jolting swell at the start. Then a proper long roller for about 30 seconds. I stumbled to the doorway of my room and called out "Earthquake!" aloud, 'cause my folks sounded startled and confused having been woken by it. Then they scrambled to join me in the hallway. Kept going for a bit longer.

Whew. Gonna be checking the earthquake preparedness kit and keep it close for the next week or so.

The next strongest earthquake I've felt was in '02-'03... can't remember. That was an even 5.0 with an epicenter about a quarter-mile from here. It was extremely violent. Side-to-side. About 15 seconds. Couldn't even stay upright while sitting on the floor for that one.

This one freaked me out more though. Just felt like it went on and on and on. Long loping rolls. Like being on the teetering deck of a tiny ship in a stormy ocean with swells and swells and swells. There's hardly been a shudder here since then. I've thought about it from time to time for a few years. Seemed like we were long overdue for something larger.

I freakin' love Twitter. Nice to go there immediately and have info and confirmation from around the Bay. Reddit, too. It pays to be on your computer at odd hours sometimes. Luckily we didn't lose power.

Settled down pretty nice here now. Glad my bodily tremors have mostly dissipated. Deep breaths and sighs.

Deep breaths and sighs.

Solutions...

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Robin Williams killed himself. I won't make any assumptions about his state of mind or circumstance, but it's interesting to see how people react to a high-profile suicide. The sentiment I have seen repeatedly this time around is that suicide is "A permanent solution to a temporary problem". I think Williams may have said that himself. Again, I won't assume he meant it or not. It's probably something I would be inclined to say if I was a famous celebrity, though I don't believe it myself.

It's always that dream for me. I believe I've mentioned it here somewhere. I suffocated to death in a dream and it was the most real dream I've ever experienced. As far as I was concerned, I had died, and it was wholly convincing. To the degree that I woke from it more confused than I have ever been.

Many have said that Williams might have not done it if he was interrupted or someone told him how much he was loved. Said he would regret it if he was thinking clearly and had time to reflect.

All I know is that I regretted waking.
I regretted that the relief was stolen from me.
I regretted that it was all a dream.
Many years have passed and I still do. More than ever.

There are 7 billion or so of us on the planet. Maybe a 100 billion have ever been born. There is no way that each and every one of those brains could be fully functional and fully capable of coping with self-awareness and existence through every moment. Some of us have brains that cause us to suffer, to be deceived by our own perception, or to be overwhelmed by default--whether depression or any other number of neurological difficulties. These are not always temporary problems. These are problems that can last as long as life does. Permanent problems. Problems where the only true solution is suicide. The universe does not owe anyone peace or comfort or stability and I personally think suicide can be a rational choice for those who are too exhausted or in too much pain to wait for relief that may never arrive.

Drugs? Sure. A temporary solution. And one that I see as a kind of suicide. All we are is our brains. Alter them and we are not what we were before. The old mind died to be replaced with a new and different one. The way I see it, we live many lives-- we live and die thousands of times. We age, we learn, alter ourselves, and we change into new people. For many, drugs can provide an excellent fresh set of lives, which is wonderful, but it can be a crap-shoot too arduous to suit everyone. One of those many lives will be the end of the story. I find no fault in choosing which life will be the last. It's all the same process to me.

We are forced to exist. We do not consent to it. But we can consent to how and when we cease.

If there was a button I could push. One that would *poof* me out of existence and out of the lives and memories of everyone I've ever known... a supreme "Obliviate!" if you will... I would press it now. I would have pressed it many years ago. And from where I sit now, it would have been a good decision. Because it can't always 'get better'. It can get worse. Much worse.

But there is no such button. So I stay.
It's not a great way to live... patiently waiting around to be given ethical permission to check out. I wouldn't recommend it.
But I'll stay. Try to contribute. And try to be as little a burden on the planet as I can be. And try to not feel guilty about that because apparently I'm not supposed to.

But I know every time someone talks about cowardice, or selfishness, or 'temporary problems' when it comes to suicide, I know they are privileged to not understand. I am hurt that they misunderstand so deeply. But I'm also happy that they've never felt what must be felt to understand at all.

-----------

Something lighter next time. JYJ's new album, because it's beautiful.

And relief...

They did it!

They really did it!

For the last week or so, I had been having anxiety problems. More than the usual. Extremely uncomfortable. Not eating well. Panicky. Started wondering if there was something really wrong with me. But then I was also aware of the World Cup and my increasing nervous tension could possible be due to Germany's run stretching further and further.

Basically since the quarter-finals, this extra anxiety has been weighing heavier and heavier. I couldn't watch the final game against Argentina. Couldn't do it. I tried to sleep through it. Woke up around half-time, terrified. I had three dreams. The first two were of Germany losing. The last was a win. This was not comforting. Attempted to calm myself by reading for a while, glancing at the clock from time to time. Adrenaline surges rampant.

Then my brother texted me saying, "Best game winner I've ever seen".

I sprinted for the TV, shaking so hard I could barely work the remote. First thing I saw was Schurrle crying and my heart dropped through my feet. But then I saw Messi looking distraught and I knew...

GERMANY WON.

Oh my Ghandi, the relief.

And it took me a day to re-calibrate my nerves, but the recovery from that level of anxiety has been incredibly palpable. Like night and day. I wasn't even really aware how deep in I had gotten. It was bad. All I could feel was the tension and fear in my body. My heart-rate. Awkward breath. Nausea. Panic. Constantly. Everything else had faded out. So bad.

Thankfully, the relief really did come. Not that it wouldn't have come if they had lost. I just needed it to be over to be okay again. I'm just too invested in this team. It was awful to see all those guys go out in 2010, but they were so young. Then the Euros where they went down two against Italy and couldn't come back. I remember bursting into tears when Mesut scored that penalty in the dying minutes. But the result was just demoralizing.

And here we are, two years later, and those men pulled it off. The World Cup. Their fourth title.

And I'm watching the homecoming parade streaming from Germany. And it's beautiful. And I'm so fucking happy. They deserved it so much.

And I feel sooooo much better. Lmao. Dork. Getting back to normal!

Arsenal signed Alexis Sanchez. Debuchy will probably be signing as well. Rumors are still floating around that Mesut's perpetual bromancer Khedira might also be joining from Madrid, but the wages are super high, so that might not work out. At any rate, Arsenal is making some huge significant brilliant signings and the shape of the upcoming season is getting increasingly sexy. Ha! Much beautiful football to be had.

Now that I have my life back from World Cup madness. Time to get back to normal art stuff. Finishing up a few projects.

Soon!

Oh my...

7-1

...

That'll do.

Pressure...

Made this heading into the quarter-finals when there was still eight. Down to four now. The next two games are Brazil vs. Germany and Argentina vs. Netherlands. Absolutely massive. Spectacular tournament.

Heading into the previous Germany vs. France game, I thought Germany would go out. Rumor was a bunch of the players had the flu, the conditions were miserably hot, and France had much better results up until that game. But Germany scored early and dug in hard to hold onto that scoreline. Obviously, I'm rooting for Germany until the end, but Brazil are the hosts... and they've lost Silva to suspension and Neymar to a devastating injury. Wouldn't be surprising in the slightest if Brazil rallied through the adversity and came out on top. Thus far, Germany have done the bare minimum to advance. It has served them well, but they might get stuck in that gear and pay for it.

Nearly blacked out while washing dishes today. Pre-menstrual cramps hit early and hard. My uterus is a terrorist. Misery. My blood pressure increasingly seems to be on a hair-trigger. Little panics, flashbacks, or pain and all my blood goes rushing into my toes like there's a party down there. No matter how familiar I am with the sensation, it never fails to utterly incapacitate and terrify me.

I wonder if there will be a time in the future when circulatory systems can be robotically/artificially assisted...

Probably not in my lifetime, but still...

That would be rad.

Finales and comebacks...

Orphan Black is the shit.

So many epic finales in TV shows.
It's a shame how much the Game of Thrones show-writers have put GRRM's complex characters through the trope-factory treatment, especially when it comes to the women whose stories were altered to lift up male characters... to then turn the women into evil traitors to make the male characters seem like noble victims at their hands. Happens so much in media generally, but it's a special kind of frustration when the source material very skillfully doesn't play into any of that shit. Still an epic show.

Orphan Black though. Orphan Black. HO-LEE SHIT. Orphan Black. What a great fuckin' show.
All day errday I'm here for the Clone Club.
Orphan Black.

My scanner decided to check out a few weeks ago for seemingly no reason. And yesterday suddenly decided to work perfectly with no intervention from myself. M'kay.
Thusly, got to complete the tribute to THIS finale...

Which was such an insane game. A terrifying affair. A heart-attack inducing comeback. So pleased for Mesut that he got some kind of trophy in his first season at Arsenal. Real Madrid finished up their season by winning the Champion's League, which  similarly made me happy that those guys got their shit together with Mourinho being gone.

I may or may not continue the Mesut sketches through next season. Probably not for every game at least. This project has successfully gotten me back to art-ing with confidence in my fingers and taping methods. Maybe I'll do highlights? That would be fun. I've loved doing it regardless.

On the topic of football--the World Cup has been an explosively compelling tournament thus far. Only one game has been a crap game really. Everything else has been wildly entertaining. And sooo many goals! It must be the heat and humidity putting the balance of play in favor of offense. Beautiful goals! And so many that certainly the total amount of goals in the 2010 cup will be well exceeded. I couldn't watch the last 30 minutes of the Germany vs. Ghana game. Brutal nerves. There's no way I'll get through the US vs. Germany game on Thursday. No way. I won't watch until I've seen the results. Lol. Too invested in the success of both sides. Brilliant tournament though. Absolutely brilliant.

More comebacks...

I'm re-investing a ton of time into webdesign code stuff. Working on getting HTML5 on lock. I'll be re-forming kpoppy for the third time to be much more compliant to the best coding practices. It's all valid as it is now, but a lot of it is archaic in nature.

JYJ's comeback next month will be followed by an Asia tour. Surely will be their last before military enlistment. I'm sooo curious what the sound of their album will be. Jae posted a clip of a piano piece he has been working on to Instagram. Beautiful new ballad. Gosh... I just can't wait!

And finally, a comeback that made me weep in the midst of gardening. Sora is back! SOOORRRAAAA! Came right back to her favorite branch of the wisteria and chatted at me. I went to get some peanuts and burst into tears when she hopped down right next to me to grab one. The only difference is that she is now followed around by TWO SCREECHING CHILDREN! Hahahahaaa. So clearly she has been nesting. Her little fledglings are all puffy and grey with the typically incessant screaming of new scrub jays. They're hilarious. And momma is very patient.

Also have seen less of GeroGero since she returned, which makes me think he's one of those nesting assistants like Chibi was last year. In fact, after hanging out with Gero a bunch and him getting very comfortable I realized that he might be Chibi. Chibi's distinguishing characteristics were that he was immediately at ease around me and liked to break open peanuts in my presence. Even if I was standing or walking right by him. And he stood very tall compared to the others. That's why I called him Chibi... sarcastically. This jay I was calling Gero ended up displaying exactly these traits. Got some great video footage, too. It would be cool if it really was Chibi, back to the neighborhood to help Sora nest again. Their social system is really fascinating.

So fucking happy to see Sora again--happy and healthy with her new babies.

Of pigeons, plants, and plotholes...

We have a garden this year! My pops rearranged one of the beds and got rid of another that wasn't getting enough sun. A little more strategic now. Looks great. He also put a ton of work into putting up some cages and netting. Cats are a problem around here. Or should I say that cat shit is a problem around here. One of them will even shit in the gravel next to a garden bed--out of spite? I don't know. Lol. Little bastards.

I finished up watering today and thought I'd take a picture while the plants are all still small. This bed has tomatoes, green beans, and basil. The bed to the left, not in the shot, has strawberries, green beans (from seed), and marigolds. Zucchini and squash are in mounds to the right.
So, I was checking the pictures to see if the sunlight wasn't blowing them out...

And then a visitor showed up...

With his buddy...

And all their friends.

O.O

Band-tailed pigeons. I think I might have mentioned them before? Maybe not. They're new. First saw one... a couple months ago? I was chillin' outside with the jays when this same little flock descended. They're huge. It was like being invaded by turkeys or vultures. All dark and ominous. Also skittish. Not at all like city pigeons. Even walking past inside our house, they'll see the movement and flee in a feather tornado. It's slightly hilarious. This was the first opportunity I've had to take proper pictures. I was shocked they didn't take off as soon as they saw me outside.

Smallest to largest, we now get: Goldfinches, House Finches, Oak Titmice, Dark-eyed Juncos, American Robins, California Towhees, Mourning Doves, Western Scrub Jays, Eurasian Collared Doves, and Band-tailed Pigeons. Mockingbirds and crows use the tallest trees in the area, but don't come into the yard.

So many doves! Although, they've replaced each other a bit. The mournings got bumped out by the eurasians, and the eurasians are getting bumped out by the band-tails. They're all still around though. There's this truly massive oak tree a block over that is its own freaking ecosystem. I wonder what it's like to live under it. Lol. Bird paradise.

***

Currently a gunman on the loose in Canada. Killing people. Has it even been a week since that misogynist/racist/batshit insane guy went on his little rampage? Geez louise.

***

Finished 'The Mote in God's Eye'. I'm working on reading a bunch of sci-fi classics that I have failed to get to. Asimov's 'Foundation' will be next. I feel shame that I've never read Asimov anything. So much shame. Must remedy this.

The Mote ended up being a disappointment, which surprised me. My main problem was that I kept having to ponder whether the authors were purposefully making the characters stupid... or if the authors themselves were ignorant about the topics they were writing on. I'm still unsure. I am sure that it's partly because it was written in '74. It's supposedly "hard sci-fi", but the lack of legitimate science got to be grating. Like... the scientific method itself hasn't made any great leaps since the 70s. The method has existed for much longer than that. And yet the scientists in the story don't use it when it would make the most sense to... with the first intelligent alien species humanity as ever encountered. I love first-contact stories, but yeesh, this one is lethargic and frustrating. The Moties, the aliens, are actually quite cool and well-developed. But the humans are painfully dumb and one-dimensional throughout. I was rooting for the Moties to obliterate humanity by the end. LOL I'm not sure if that was the intended effect.

Here's an example from the perspective of the science expedition's linguist... and chaplain:

"Chaplain David Hardy watched the miniatures only through the intercom because that way he wasn't involved in the endless speculations on what Moties were. It was a question of scientific interest to Horvath and his people; but to Chaplain Hardy there was more than intellectual curiosity at stake. It was his job to determine if Moties were human. Horvath's scientists only wondered if they were intelligent."

Wut. Firstly, this passage comes long after it is abundantly clear that the Moties are far more technologically advanced than humans. Secondly, it's the Chaplain's job to determine if the alien species ARE HUMAN? WHAT?! Like, wouldn't the very first fucking tests be to compare the Motie genetic code to humans and other Earth species? Like, duh? And that would be done BY SCIENTISTS. The Chaplain goes on to ponder if they have souls or if they are perhaps angels... really ugly angels... wut. It just... it doesn't compute. And this kind of thing happens throughout the book many many times.

Coffee. I wish I kept a tally of how often coffee was talked about. The making of it. The drinking of it. Coffee. Coffee coffee coffee. Everyone is always drinking coffee. Or brandy. All these on-duty scientists and military officers drinking alcohol... and coffee. Oh, except for the ridiculously stereotyped Russian captain of the military escort ship. He drinks tea. But coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee. I was hoping the Moties would poison the coffee and kill off the whole expedition. No such luck. All that coffee? Useless filler.

The single woman on the expedition is also the only anthropologist. The authors clearly want the reader to see her as competent, smart, and compassionate, which is cool. But she's a terrible anthropologist. She brings all of her own personal baggage to the table when discussing Motie culture with the Moties. That's like rule #1 in the anthropologist handbook of things to never do. This is a case where I have to assume the authors don't know what anthropologists actually do. Very little critical objectivity is practiced by ANY of the scientists on-board. It gets tiring.
And, of course, whenever the lone woman in the story talks to any man, he's scrutinizing her looks in his head and flirting with her. In the end, she rather suddenly falls completely in love with the lead protagonist and 'hero'.
Cue eyeroll.

TOO LONG. Must stop writing. Must get to drawing!

Another Kpopcalypse...

Oh, Kpop... how I love and hate you. Hahaha.

I feel a bit cruel as I go along with the default expectation that another Kpopcalypse is always around the corner. It's just a matter of who is the next victim. SME's gargantuan hype-train for EXO has been in a dead-sprint for two years. It was only a matter of time before something went off the rails. I never go into the group. Haven't really delved into any group since the DBSK Kpopcalypse. But the news today certainly perked up my eyes and ears. Looks like one of the 12 members of the group has sued SME. So this is the... what... 4th? 5th time an SME artist has sued the company? And that's just the big cases. Who knows what kind of madness goes on internally.

There's a kind of sick delight in seeing the dark Kpop underbelly in the light of day every once in a while. Especially SME's. Lol. Anyway, EXO fans are absolutely losing their shit. A lot of DBSK/JYJ fans are trying to help console them, including myself, which is all kinds of sad and vaguely adorable. Definitely feel bad for the kid though. Kris. He's alone in the suit. It'll be just like Hangeng. Contract terminated and bye byeeeeeee.

Meanwhile, as a reminder of the aforementioned DBSK Kpopcalypse, Junsu held a couple concerts in Japan and performed a medley of the old Tohoshinki songs. He has been doing those 'Genie Time' segments at his concerts for a few years now and the most popular 'wishes' from Japanese fans have been singing the old songs. He must have realized the fans were really craving to hear them again and he delivered in exquisitely bittersweet form:


I wept... so much.
You can hear fans sobbing in every fancam.
E-m-o-t-i-o-n-a-l as fuck.
And on the technical side, rather impressive. Junsu's voice has really grown with all these musicals and solo tours. Incredible to hear the old songs sung with his fully matured voice. Hard enough to sing his actual part from Love in the Ice, much less with all the following lines that he would usually be breathing through. And so much practice keeping it relatively steady while crying. Done that a lot in the last few years I guess. But yeah, him breaking down at the end and the audience like a choir building to lift him back up.
ALL MY TEARS. ALL OF THEM.
Just such a touching gesture that he did it at all. So special.

A little tribute to each of the excerpted songs...

Begin: One of my favorites. Incredible blend when they sang this as five. Reminds me of watching their DVD commentary and Changmin was teasing Junsu (as usual) trying to get him to say what 'begin' meant. And after much banter, Junsu deadpanned 'hajimarusaaaaaaaaa' and they all lost it.

Stand By You: Beloved to all fans as it was the song they were promoting when they performed at Tokyo Dome and the audience turned the classic DBSK Red Ocean into a sea of blue as a surprise for them.

Sky: For being the summer anthem and a standard for every tour and A-Nation. An absolute ton of bubbly energy and fan-service during their final tour before the split.

Heart, Mind & Soul: For being the very first DBSK concert performance I looked up on Youtube forever ago. Their 1st Japan tour. And Junsu walked out and my jaw dropped when he belted this part and nailed it. Essentially it's exactly the song which made me a Junsu stan. Beautifully done at Tokyo Dome, too, once all their voices had developed and gotten familiarized with Japanese.

Love in the Ice: A treasure of a song that blew my mind when they first performed it at Soul Power and Yoochun went up an octave during the bridge. When they started including it in concerts Junsu said that it felt like he was taking years off his life every time he got through his part.

Proud: Instant trigger for tears for all fans because of the double encore performance when they played the Budoukan. An achievement that made them all feel like they had made it. The brutal work and isolation in Japan had been worth it. And Yoochun cried. Which made Junsu cry. And they had a moment.

Asu wa Kuru Kara: My favorite DBSK song. Period. With lyrics I've quoted in this blog a few times. A chorus that I have had to remind myself of often in the last couple years. And it's also Junsu's baby. His personal favorite. A song that always made him teary, which he countered during rehearsals by replacing the epic 'Harukanaaaaa' (far away) with 'Hanagikaaaaaa' (nose ring). Lmao.


Oh, and during the actual Genie Time, he was requested to sing the Japanese version of 'Let It Go'. Even though I'm sick of the song, and hearing it just makes me depressed now that I've seen the movie... I could hear Junsu sing it all damn day:



Cheeky pianist jumping in. Cuuuuute.

Aaaaand... he's doing Dracula for his next musical. As Dracula. Ahem. :D

Another ding...

Not much new to add. 28. Another birthday accompanied by a sad little *ding*. Ha!
As per tradition, the weather turned grey and drizzly for me today, which I appreciated. That's not sarcasm, btw.

I sprained my right ankle... let's see... two weeks ago. While jogging. No good deed goes unpunished. Lol. It's not terrible. I could walk on it pretty quickly. Iced/elevated it immediately, which helped a ton. Just been bummed out because I was doing pretty well with the running. So I've been doing lots of weight-lifting, abdominal stuff, and careful squats while it heals. Probably won't feel comfortable with normal ankle-use for a few months still. At least. Blaaargh!

The above sketch was a meditative stream of conscious thing for The Art Assignment on Youtube. Still want to do a few of the other projects. Love all the educational stuff Vlogbrothers and Co. are always working on. Fun to participate.

Been watching a metric fuck-ton of shows. Mad Men has been good. Game of Thrones has been excessively rape-y, which is obnoxious and gross, but most of the other plots are great. Just started watching Orphan Black a few days ago and marathoned it in record time. That is a faaaaassst-moving show. Incredibly hard to stop watching. Love it, but I'm concerned it will go the way of Alias or Lost before long. Still trying to get through all of Star Trek. I have come to the much-dreaded original series. The women characters are insufferable. Every plot thus far has been focused on a woman. And the women are all fragile, whimpering, incompetent, decorative, seductresses, who are humored by the men. A show like Mad Men puts a lot of these old sexist ideas on display to bring the awfulness of it to the viewer's attention. But Star Trek is actually from that era and it's nearly unbearable to watch. Dammit. I'm hoping it will improve in the 2nd and 3rd seasons... if I can ever push through the 1st.

Saw Frozen finally and have mixed feelings. It looks pretty. Not a fan of the music. What I pulled from the overall message is not like anything I've heard in any media review until I just now googled it. To me, it was a metaphor... allegory? Ahem... I'll use metaphor... for dealing with mental illness as a society. Elsa's innate nature is unique to her, but potentially dangerous and just generally foreign and scary to everyone else. So she is told to hide it away. She is isolated and conditioned to fear herself and the outside world. She is a problem that must be suppressed and kept away from other people. It's confirmed that she's dangerous when she accidentally hurts her sister.

The reaction of the community is to help her sister heal. True love kisses and all that. Put a bandaid on it. In the end, her sister finally breaks the mold and instead of going for the expected fixes, sacrifices her own comfort to save/reconnect with Elsa. This helps Elsa 'heal', which heals everyone in turn and then happily ever after yada yada figure skating.

I don't know how obvious this was to anyone else watching it. It jumped at me immediately because it's my own experience. I started sobbing and had to pause the movie when her father gave her the gloves as a small child. Holy shit. Yeah. Kinda close to home.

Anyway, I have mixed feelings, because the media and everyone has been so obsessed with the movie and the song that we've all heard a million times too many, and I haven't seen a single serious discussion about the underlying story being related to mental illness. Lots about sexism, pressure on young girls to conform, that kind of thing. But that's not what I got out of it at all. Not sure how to feel about that. It also made me hate the song more. All the associations are about empowerment and being a badass, but in the mental illness narrative, the song is Elsa's desperation to isolate herself further and this choice nearly destroys everything.

Wow. I had no intention of rambling on about this.

GeroGero has quickly become very friendly. Almost enough to make me think it was Sora, but with totally different routine behaviors, unlike any other Scrub Jay I've seen. Definitely a different bird. Cool.

Loss...

Took a bit of a drawing break for my hand. All good. Didn't talk about it last time, but Sora the Scrub Jay is gone. Haven't seen her since a storm we had a few weeks ago. Almost exactly a year after Aoi left the same way. Her offspring, Tasu is still here, but uncomfortable around me. Two new jays have been hanging around ever since. One that won't come near. The other I'm calling GeroGero, because there's a unique croak to their voice. GeroGero is bolder and intrigued by me, but very cautious.

Gotta admit that losing both Aoi and Sora after such long relationships kinda killed me. Sora especially has been really important to me during the last couple of years. Extremely glad I took some video and did drawings of her recently. We never had pets growing up... well... we had fish, but yeah. I realize I'm feeling the pain of losing a pet for the first time. She just happened to be wild.

Maybe she's just off nesting somewhere else, but I'm not keeping up any hope that she'll return.

...

So I was already kind of low. Then a fucking ship full of children flipped over and sank in South Korea.

Fucking fuck.

Been following that story for the last few days. It's just... fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck... etc...
My attachment to Kpop stuff is irrelevant. It's just another fucking horrifying senseless tragedy and it's agonizing to look at the pictures and know that the missing are RIGHT THERE and yet unreachable and I'm just angry and sad about the whole thing and feel totally deflated.

As I sometimes do when I'm feeling sad and brain-numb, I went to Youtube and watched a tragic ballet. Romeo & Juliet. Drew Ferri and zoned the fuck out...

Fuck.
I'm sad.
I'm okay, but I'm fucking sad.

Arsenal made it through to the FA cup final after a white-knuckle anxious semi-final that went to penalties. Exhausting. Mes might be back in the team for the PL game on Sunday. Positive things.

I'm gonna go eat an apple with some peanut butter.

A little limbo...

/r/sketchdaily submission to the Ballet theme  -  Guillem, Lopatkina, and Zakharova.

I'm both entrenched in and fascinated by in-between-ness. Alleyways betwixt buildings. Stuck in ruts. Spinning wheels. Transitions. Limbo. Liaison. Breezeways and corridors. Bridges and tunnels. Unable to move forward while trying to not look back. Waiting.

Waiting for a couple of currently de-swelling fingers so I can get back to drawing projects and I'm thinking about the major news of the week. Malaysia Airliner MH370. Now, most likely the fate of this plane and those on-board is already determined, we're just not informed yet. But all I can think of when I see some new report or counter-report is the families and friends of those passengers.

It's awful enough to experience the common tragedies of car accidents or heart attacks. Lives lost quickly. And you grieve. You'll think of plans to make with that person and remember with a violent shock that they are gone and suddenly you're crumbling and swaying like gravity is pulling you in all the wrong ways. But the days pass and the waves crash a little less hard. You finished that chapter and you must read on.

Unless you're caught in the footnote on that page and you find that the rest of the book has been torn from the binding and lost. And you realize it must have torn off in your friend's bag, which is at their house, or with them at school, or maybe it's actually in your room somewhere. You can't be sure. And you don't know if there are twenty chapters to go or twenty pages or if you've already read the end and only the back cover is missing. But surely there must be more?

I keep thinking about how their families must be caught in the deepest and most sickening part of grief. Where there are too many questions and variables and maybe you can still see your loved one again... or not? Or maybe yes? Or no? And I can't imagine waking to that everyday or attempting to sleep or functioning... at all. If hell were a real place I think it would be that. Being endlessly caught in an unsettled place with no possible closure.

I've felt like I was there for much of my life, but it's mostly a passive and gentle thing. Not even a molecule of what they're going through. And dammit I hope it's solved soon.

Then there's Ukraine and Venezuela, Turkey and even Australia now. Transitions and unsolved issues of their own.

"MOM! CAN I KEEP HIM!"

And on the much less serious side, Mesut's first season with Arsenal. Had an absolutely brilliant game against Everton. Then screwed up his hamstring in the opening minutes against Bayern and continued to play on it gingerly for the rest of the first half. D'awww. Poor kid. Out for a few weeks with the press ripping him to pieces. Just like Madrid. Lol. At least there were really ridiculously adorable pictures from Everton to hold us fans over. XD

Giroud is quite a character. If only he could finish as competently as he cuddles. Lol. I'm an asshole.

Arsenal have wildly exceeded my expectations. Freaking everyone but the center-backs is injured now. How the hell are they still near the top of the table?!??!!! Incredible. I know the long-time fans are super depressed and angry, but geez, I'm all pleased as punch and shit. So that's fun. Good chance of the FA Cup and placing decently for the league. No shame in that! Also really happy to see Real Madrid doing well. Seems like Ancelotti kind of swung back towards using a lot of the older team rather than the newbies. And DiMaria has managed to do well waaay out of his position. Fine job! I hope they win the league. Too bad Sami hasn't been able to play after his ACL. I still want him to get a trophy! And Benz, too!

And the little nephew is getting his first teeth in. That's a fun transition. Ha!
I better stop typing or my fingers will actually fall off my hand.

Maybe movie stuff next time?
Out.

Re-visiting...

As I'm getting into a steadier clip of drawing, I've opened some old sketchbooks and perused ideas. Old pieces that I abandoned for lack of skill or time or confidence... one of which was 'The Seamstress'. It was a project I worked on for etching class and got the first handful of states on it and got less and less happy with how it was evolving. After many bouts of scraping and re-etching and scraping again it was downright ugly.



Ick. Makes me cringe. Lol.
I still like the whimsy/fantasy of the original idea, so I revisited the piece with graphite instead. It's much better now and is close to completion. Just filling out the borders and making final decisions about coloring. The hummingbird above is hovering to the left and the sewing lady is drawn with the same style/detail.


I'll probably be re-visiting lots of old pieces that I liked, but didn't have the skill to execute at the time. Really satisfying to go back and nail down what you couldn't before.

Been watching lots of curling. Heh. Norway should win gold by default for their pants.

In 8-ish hours the shit will be hitting the fan at the Emirates. Champions League game. Arsenal vs. Bayern Munich. Lawd have mercy. The expectation is that Bayern will totally slay. Probably true... but stranger things have happened. Should be an exciting game regardless. There'll be like a million Germans on the pitch. Practically the entire starting 11 for the German National Team, which I love dearly. That'll be fun/hilarious.

ALL ZE GERMANS!

Recently learned that the art teacher I've learned the most from is retiring after 30 years. Got me emotional. Fantastic teacher. Perfect balance of critical and encouraging and just a ridiculous wealth of knowledge.

...kind of a bittersweet note.

I'm craving chocolate cake right now. What in the world. I don't even like cake.
O.o

All that is gold...

Got to doodling and overlaying and flipping and coloring and...

somewhat gilding the lily.

Heh. Kinda wild.

Big rainstorm coming. Woo!

Winter is trying...

... but mostly failing to come. Slightly colder. And we had some light rain for a day. The drought is seriously screwing California though. It's dangerous. Can only imagine how rough this is for farmers and anyone with agricultural concerns.

Doodling away.

Seeing advertisements for Cosmos during the Super Bowl was glorious. It made up for the Scientology ones. So excited for it.



Bring it, NDT!

Sky...

Sora. Loves peanuts. Never squawks. Sits next to me out back and warbles like we're in conversation. Just the sweetest. Scrub Jays are the sh*t.

It's mid-January, the days are over 70 degrees, not a drop of rain in sight, and the skies are blue.
While the rest of the country is apparently under a frozen blanket, we're in a warm drought. Climate change, dude. Climate change.

KPOPPY 2.0 has been up for a couple weeks. The old site is gone. Seems to be working smoothly.

Arsenal are STILL top of the league and won the FA Cup match against Coventry yesterday 4-0. Mes got an assist. ^^

Helped out a Gunner on reddit and designed a logo for his Swedish Arsenal fanclub. Fun.
Working on like 4 pieces that will be prints.

My eyes are burning from need of sleep.
Peace.