Hope and heat...

Chowing on leftover edamame, Arsenal vs. West Ham in the morning, the Kpop end-of-the-year shows begin tonight, DBSK's 10th Anniversary providing emotional breakdowns, and all the family is healthy and enjoying the holiday.

Thankful that I haven't had another migraine in months... yet. *knocks on wood*
Glad to have a successful method of keeping my fingers de-swelled. Been drawing a lot. Near-scalding water soaks and diligent medical-taping have kept everything happy.

Off to get some drawing done tonight.

ASPARAGOOSE

:P

At a blistering pace...

U-Verse installed.
HD Youtube videos now take like 3 seconds to load.
Watched Arsenal vs. Everton this morning on the new HD channel.
G.L.O.R.I.O.U.S.

I'm shitting bricks here.
Oh, and Mesut scored again, though Arsenal drew. Everton is very strong right now.
Two goals in two games. Whew! Get it, MÖ!

Eventually, I'll be up on Society6, but I've heard better things about Fine Art America for quality. Giving them a try while I'm green to the Print On Demand kind of shops. Learning the ropes.
First two prints I've put up are the old Calla Lilies print I did in silkscreening and the piece I've been working on for the last month. I'mma try these links they provide...

Asparagoose!

Pretty jazzed with how he turned out. Had a nice test-print done at Costco last week and it looks so goooood! Joy! Still figuring out the pricing over there. You set your own markup and there's kind of a learning curve. I set everything pretty low compared to the general averages on the site, but I might lower some of the smaller size prints. We'll see. Exciting regardless
I'd like to make the asparagoose a part of a series. I just have to think of more mash-ups. Lol.
He makes me giggle.

KPOPPY 2.0 is almost complete. A couple more graphics and updates.

Junsu is singing with Lyn on a forthcoming track. DREAM COLLABO FOR THE WIN!
I love Lyn and I love her love for Junsu. Haha. She's adorable.

We've had freezing temperatures and rain here for the last few days. I'm fretting about the birds. :\

And good lord... my nephew is THE cutest. MOST cutest. Starting to make lots of noise and trills. He's like a blackhole of cute... gravitating all things to him to gaze in awe... at the cute.

>.<

Disconnected...

I've had no internet for more than four days. The modem died... or the DSL... or something.
We'll be switching to U-verse on the 6th or 7th, but it was looking like I'd be internetless for a week and a half. First-world problems.

I was starting to feel like a raving lunatic.
I know how unhealthy it is to be dependent on any one thing. Especially a technology thing.
But when I'm disconnected I realize just how intertwined it is with my daily life. It's all my work. All my social connections. All my reference. All my understanding of what is happening in the world.

And currently, while I'm still very much a hermit and working through severe anxiety problems... it really is my whole life.
Outside of the net, I eat, sleep, exercise, do chores, shower occasionally, and feed the neighborhood birds. That's it. It's all important and necessary, but when you have chronic depression, it might as well be death. Listlessness and duty and anxiety. All the things I'm passionately involved with, whether it's art or education or soccer or music, they're what keep me going day-to-day, and they're all on the net.

Healthy? Not really.
Reality? Very much yes.

It turned me into a detached asshole who couldn't sleep and wasn't motivated to do anything.
Well, I'm a detached asshole anyway, but it's the stuff on the net that charges my battery enough to not behave like an asshole outwardly.

A couple days I could stand.
A few more days of withering and worrying and I got quiet and tired.
Earlier tonight, my pops plugged the modem in elsewhere and it worked. My mom used it for like 15 minutes. When I tried to reconnect my computer. It died. And I snapped. Asshole.

My pops spent a few hours setting up a cheap netgear router for the interim and after a lot of frustration, got it going. It's weak, and every time I see the network zero out I get nervous, but I'll take it.
Quickly trying to get through a bunch of things in case it goes out again. Including this.

Yada fritada.
Read a couple of books in the meantime. Watched like eight movies. Lol. Finished some art pieces I'll be putting up as prints. And played with some new pens I stocked up on last week.

Found a white pen that's pretty brilliant. Giddyup.

Hopefully I can get back into that great groove I was in. Very productive.

Internet, ganbatte!

Productivity...

I hit a proper art phase. That hasn't happened in... well, at least two years probably. Strong ideas for pieces popping in all sparkly and fully-formed. Some new. Some updates of older inklings. It's a bit torturous since I'm seemingly always going to be babying my fingers, but I've been drawing more and more and they still hold up with only the lightest swelling and sensitivity, so I'm ramping things up.

Steadily dumping these Mesut-y sketches onto my Tumblr after every game (or two). Saturday's game against Crystal Palace still needs to go up, but I have a feeling he won't be playing until next Saturday. All of the starters should be taking a much-needed break for the mid-week Cup game. Frankly, it has been quite the ride. I had no great expectations of success at Arsenal, but these boys have been Top of the League since Mes joined and maintaining their momentum despite injuries/exhaustion. I feel spoiled. The Norwich game alone was the stuff of fairy tales. Meanwhile, Real Madrid is struggling. Ancelotti's 'system' is not clicking. Makes me wish Khedira and Benzema would bail and join Arsenal in January.

Bring on the compilations, Gooners! (Nice song, btw)

Got to meet my 3-month old #1 favorite nephew. Just so happens that he is the cutest baby I've ever seen. Seriously. I'm not much of a baby fan, whether family or not, but sweet tapdancing Odin... the little tyke is so cute it makes you squirm and squee involuntarily.

Anyway, back to art and productivity. If I can get a few pieces finished I might do the typical print-shop thing. Like Society6 or something. Perhaps by the end of the year. Not long off, but I have some stuff well in-progress. Still too timid to actually paint with actual paint. Too much going well right now to risk the use of my hand. So, just digital. Then I'd like to refurbish Kpoppy for it's first birthday. I've already coded all the structure for that. Just need to update a bunch of content. Aaaaand, what else? Oh gosh, I might try to do NaNoWriMo this year. Likely setting myself up for total failure there. Hahaha. Especially with all the art stuff. But there's this story my brain is fixated on that I want to just get down. I'm a shit writer, but I want to challenge myself to go for it. Typing extensively can irritate my fingers though, so I'll stop if anything threatens.

Still playing with those paisleys...

Off to bed!

I do art things sometimes...

Sometimes...
Not of the greatest quality.
But sometimes.

Thusly, a little set of zentangle doodle experimenty thingy-mabobs:

Electric Paisley

Lil Tangles

Oceania

Exploring some odd color combinations that I would otherwise not choose.
Playing. Satisfying.
I've actually begun drawing again. Not just simple zentangles, but some proper graphite renderings. Sketchy still, but my fingers have been resilient through each test. In that regard, I had an idea to make a little Özil sketch after every Arsenal game during the season. Could be an amusing series. Mostly just amusing for me, but I might post them to my art tumblr if I can keep up with it.

A little preview. The actual series will be only greyscale... I think. Mesut played his first game for Arsenal last Saturday. He had a stomach bug. Poor kid. Wenger wouldn't have played him if the team wasn't so thin due to injuries/illness. Despite being sick, coming off of two successful International games, being slammed by nasty Spanish press, and having his life turned upside-down... he made his first assist for the club after just 11 minutes. And it was a beauty. Great long pass from Gibbs as Mesut took off down the left wing. Timed his run to have the ball come down over his left shoulder, split-stretched to slow its fall with the perfect touch of his left foot, passed it with an exquisite nutmeg to Giroud, who knocked it into the goal with a perfect finish.

Jokes were made that he adjusted rather quickly to the Premier League. I couldn't stop laughing. Partly from how great it was. Mostly from relief.

His debut at the Emirates (Arsenal's home stadium) is in... about 2 hours. My schedule is a bit screwy again, but NBC has full game replays online, which is amazing.

Alright. That's all. I'm off.

Gone to the Gooners...

"In WTF news... Real Madrid bought Gareth Bale. Not sure if I want. The midfield is already cramped. Could be great, but if our bug-eyed, crinkly-eared hero doesn't get the minutes he deserves, we're gonna have a problem."

During Bale's presentation at the Bernebau, Madristas were chanting, begging for Perez to not sell Özil. For more than a day, rumors flew that Arsenal had made a record-breaking bid for Mesut.

A problem... we have.

30 minutes to the end of the transfer window...

dear fans of real madrid,

thank you very much for three wonderful years with all of you. my time at real madrid was unique and special for me. sometimes things develop differently, than i would have expected them to a few days ago.
although I’m leaving real madrid I wish you and the team the very best for the future.

now I’m looking forward to my new club: THE GUNNERS!

And there you have it. One of the best players in the world, arguably the best central attacking midfielder in the world, one of the most beloved players by Madridistas and all football fans alike, happy, committed, and living his dream to play for Real Madrid and train with Zidane...

Forced out.

Forced out, because Perez wanted Bale as his shiny new toy and Ancelotti had to reform the midfield around that. Mesut's position disappeared. They forced him out.

Heartbreaking.

Luckily, Mesut is away from the chaos in Spain, training with the German National Team for a WCQ on Friday. And likely got the critical information he needed from his teammates Podolski and Mertesacker that he would be loved and trusted at Arsenal. Mesut hoped to retire in Madrid, but seeing how quickly they were ready to dispense with him, he probably decided he would prefer to go where he would be welcomed with open arms and confidence. What a shitty position to be in though. Geez.

All I can hope is that he'll be energized by the transition rather than deflated.
He didn't deserve that treatment. Hopefully he'll be able to rise above and do well with his new team.

Arsenal. The Gunners.
Apparently the saying goes, "Once a gooner, always a gooner."
We shall see.

TIL...

Technically, YIL. Yesterday I learned that those mysterious mutant Mourning Doves are Eurasian Collared Doves. As a bird-person, this is thrilling. Apparently, they're an invasive species that was introduced to the Bahamas in the 70s and spread to Florida in the 80s... and has clearly conquered the USA as it has arrived in my Northern Californian backyard.
This is so cool to me.
SO.
COOL.

Finally, snapped some shots of them. The photo on the left is through my bedroom window. On the right, through the living room window just before it took off. They don't tolerate my presence outside. Compare it to the Mourning Dove down here. Really different, but clearly still a dove. All I had were fleeting glimpses of confusion. WTF IS THAT?!! Now I know. Thrilled.

Even cooler is that I had heard a strange call at night. It sounded like an owl or a Mourning Dove having an identity crisis. Played a clip of a Eurasian Collared Dove and BINGO! That's it! YAASSSSSSS! Such a rad sound. Did I mention that I'm thrilled?

Sora has been especially friendly over the last week. It's nice to pop outside, make a little clicking call and she shows up in one of her usual spots. The fence. The gutter overhead. Or the jutting wisteria branch. She's comfortable enough with me that she'll trot around while I water plants, digging for bugs or grabbing peanuts when I put them out. The little hopping gallop is endlessly amusing to me. Birds are cool.

That Collared Dove, man.
Felt victorious when I figured that out.
They look downright regal.


In WTF news... Real Madrid bought Gareth Bale. Not sure if I want. The midfield is already cramped. Could be great, but if our bug-eyed, crinkly-eared hero doesn't get the minutes he deserves, we're gonna have a problem. Gif courtesy of his new adidas campaign.

Oh lawd.

*wibbles*

Life and Death...

Our little garden is doing well. The squash exploded in size and is producing faster than we can keep up with. First time we've tried straight-neck squash and it's good. Tasty. It's overwhelming the basil and tomatoes at the moment. Hopefully it'll spend its energy producing rather than growing/suffocating the basil.

The first mutant.

I tried to modify my sleeping schedule to something reasonable when it started slipping again. Backfired on me as it always seems to. I haven't slept with consistent hours for a week. A bit crazy-making. Why do I try? Lol.

I've determined that we've lost a scrub jay. And I think it was Aoi. Haven't seen him since that massive thunderstorm we had. Our backyard has been his territory for more than 8 years. And suddenly... he's gone. Of course, I have no idea how old he was when he first came here. I'm concerned he may have passed. It's like losing a pet. I'm bummed. I'm planning to immortalize one of my last interactions with him in comic-form.

Sora, Chibi, and Tasu all visit regularly. Tasu has learned to not screech constantly, but is still kind of stupid and won't come near me. All signs point to Chibi inheriting Aoi's dominance. He's a genius. Sits close and watches me for long minutes while I peel peanuts for him. Figured all that out quickly. Sora is still my girl. Chill as ever, but a little less tidy than she used to look. She was probably close to Aoi's age and has been here for 5-6 years. Gettin' old.

Otherwise, it has been towhee takeover. They're everywhere. Oh, and a couple of mourning doves showed up last week that I've never seen before. I'm not entirely sure that's what they are. They're the right shape and have the characteristic wing-whistle, but they're the palest mourning doves I've ever seen. They're silvery-white. And one of them is enormous. A scaled-up version. I wonder if it's mixed with a rock dove or something. Haven't gotten a picture yet, because they're pretty jumpy. Rad-looking though.

Football season has begun again. Real Madrid won their first match, but they're not looking super solid yet. Ancelotti is playing Mesut out of position. The Isco/Özil dynamic will have to be figured out. The energy already feels better than last season though.

Death is back! Tod 2.0... the Dark Tod.
Fiercer. Darker. Just as fabulous.



Then he got up the next morning and played a soccer game and scored a goal. The Death nail-polish probably needed a bit of touching up after that.


On a last bright note. Junsu is still granting three wishes during 'Genie Time' on his tour. Fans have begun requesting favorite songs and are coming prepared with printed out lyrics. Kind of hilarious.

The ones where he doesn't know the melody well are really impressive/lulzy, but this one is Busker Busker's big hit from last year 'Cherry Blossom Ending'. Sweet song.


Cute.

Pure Junsu spam...

Incredible
Turns out that I love this track way more than I thought I would. It has been stuck in my head since it was released. Catchy as all get out. Quincy's delivery is as dull as his step-father's. Sorry, Diddy. WTF is a spaceship candy? Anyway, love the track. So bright and fun compared to Tarantallegra. And it's just ridiculous and fun. Should've gotten a dancer to be on the bed with him instead of a model. Models tend to be graceless and awkward. Can't have that lack of enthusiasm next to DAT GOLD SUIT. He literally 'put his swag on'. Hahahaha. Bless him.


LOEN's Showcase
It was only 30 minutes, but pretty great. Tarantallegra, 11AM, Sorry, and Incredible. The 11AM performance is really something special. Done like the MV with just the vocal and then adding in live piano. He looks so happy to be on stage. Adorable and having fun with the audience, as always. His 10+ years of experience is really showing. Always on-point and charming.


the Grammys
Put him on the home page for a bit, which came as a sweet surprise. Lovely interview. The highlight: "I'm not trying to overestimate myself of anything, but Music is me."
Reminds me of his lyric from Mozart, "I'm a major, a minor, a harmony, a melody... I'm a forte, a piano, a dance and fantasy. I... am... music." Damn right.


Ask in a Box
Another interview... less serious. More the typical bubbly Su. Chunsa Junsu FOREVER. He'll never live that down. Chicken love. Kindred spirit on the math front. And shorts. Good heavens, boy. Lots of shorts during this promotional period. Gone his whole career wearing only pants and suddenly his legs are everywhere. Checking my kpop tumblr is like wading through a river of Junsu legs. Maybe he overcame a complex after having dozens of fangirls filming him play soccer in HD. LOL.


Fantasy
One of my favorite songs on the album, especially after I saw clips of the first concert. It's infectiously happy and flirtatious. This particular clip reminded me of old performances of Michael Jackson... like Another Part of Me. So playful with the fans/dancers and looking like he's having the time of his life.


Incredible Rehearsal
Looks like the LA dance team will be at the two shows back in Korea. I love the Korean dancers, but these guys are simply another level of professional talent. They helped Junsu reach his true potential as a dancer after a career of doubting himself despite his natural ability. Yunho was always 'the best dancer in kpop' and to say otherwise was blasphemy. That was never actually true, but I don't think Junsu realized what he could do until he got out from under that shadow. Jeri Slaughter challenged him, thereby erasing any of those doubts. The LA crew will bring out the best in him at the concerts. Can't wait to see them do Turn it Up, Fantasy, and No Reason. Gonna be a beautiful thing.


Right in the feels, too. Dance rehearsals are the most fun part of being in a company. Everyone knows what they're doing... just marking timing and spacing... so fun. I miss it.

Bambayaaaaah!
Done.

Indications of growth...

My right fingernail is at a pretty fragile point, so I dug out some very old clear nail polish and painted on a few coats. I figured it would be a good idea to document what it looks like before doing so.

It has been at least six months since the last 'blow-up', which mainly affected my index and middle finger. The middle finger was a bit rough as it grew out, but not much. But that index finger has blown up so many times over the last seven years and looks worse each time the nail grows out. It looks perfectly fine DURING the swelling. But as the nail grows out, I eventually see the edge of the warping. And now that the worst part is nearing the end of my finger, it's quite brittle, fibrous, and thin from normal everyday wear. Lighter than everyday wear actually. I try to be gentle with it.

It's fascinating to me. Whatever happens in my fingers during the swelling periods destroys the ability to grow out a healthy nail. It's like a chemical reaction that wrecks the natural process. But as was determined by my doctor and a battery of blood tests, it isn't systemic. My left hand has never had a single problem. None of the nails have ever shown any weird discoloration or warping of any kind. Smooth and strong as always. And the rest of the nails on my right hand look great right now. In fact, if the center point of the 'blown-up' irritation is on the underside or farther down my fingers, it doesn't cause the nail warping, or only very little. It's a very focused thing. Totally localized.

That last episode on my index finger was right on top of that first knuckle and I remember thinking, "My fingernail is going to be fucked."

Indeed.

One of the times it happened in the same spot, the nail grew out with a pit in it, which chipped a lot. I was less careful about it and when I tried to pull away one of the loose shreds... it kept coming and I practically split my fingernail in half. It was like a horror movie. And painful. Very painful. It wouldn't be so bad if it grew out all dead and fell off. Lost a lot of toenails like that when I was still on pointe. But that wasn't painful. They just fell off like dead hair from the abuse. But this nail is still very much attached to living tissue in my finger, despite all the warping. Anyway, not going to risk anything like that this time. I think I'll keep it lacquered with nail polish until it all grows out.


Still haven't left the house more than to do chores around the yard and to hang out with the birds. But it's becoming a realistic consideration now, which is a vast improvement on just a few months ago. Back to a healthy weight for me. Exercising more. No panic attacks or migraines, though I continue to feel vulnerable in that regard.

Read Divergent. Another Young Adult novel along the same lines as Hunger Games. Not as good though. The protagonist was less passive than Katniss, but the overall story felt pretty shallow. Too much convenient romance. Little substance. Not going to bother with the rest of the series.

Then read Neuromancer, which I've always meant to get to. Got to the end and went right back to the start. Reading through again. The language is a minefield. It's like Shakespeare. You have to read a lot of it until it feels right to your brain. Really interesting. More-so with our technological hindsight.

The people descriptions are some of my favorite parts:

"Julius Deane was one hundred and thirty-five years old, his metabolism assiduously warped by a weekly fortune in serums and hormones... Sexless and inhumanly patient, his primary gratification seemed to lie in his devotion to esoteric forms of tailor-worship. Case had never seen him wear the same suit twice, although his wardrobe seemed to consist entirely of meticulous reconstruction of garments of the previous century. He affected prescription lenses, framed in spidery gold, ground from thin slabs of pink synthetic quartz and beveled like the mirrors in a Victorian dollhouse."

Delightful to the imagination.

11AM...

My favorite person singer in the world released this pre-release special MV ahead of his album.

It's... um...

It's kind of everything.

Seriously, if I could have asked him personally to make a thing...

This is pretty much what it would look like and sound like and feel like.

Yeah.

I'll... have to work through some feelings on this one.



*ahem*
The real single for when the album is released will be a dance track--based on the tiny bit of audio/picture leaks. Upbeat, summery, colorful, pop. I love contrast. This is definitely a contrast.
So happy. So weepy and happy.
*sigh*

Potential...

I have been reading.
I have also been reminded of why I don't read books as much as I used to.
It's dangerous.
I can't ever put them down. Hours and days disappear. I dive in and forget to manage basic bodily functions. I'm nearly at 6 books in the last two weeks.

Finally getting around to reading the remaining Enderverse books. I had been waiting until they were all out to plow through in one go. But the movie will be out at the end of the year, so I'm forging ahead even with two more books forthcoming. Halfway through Earth Afire. Earth Unaware and this one precede Ender's Game. **SPOILER ALERT** You get an intimate view of first contact with the Buggers and how that all goes down. Having read the rest of the series with a grasp of what the next 3000 years are like, I know exactly what is going to happen. I could guess what 'The Scouring of China' referred to in EG. I knew the death toll and immense tragedy. But that isn't making it any less thrilling or terrifying... more-so probably. That first-hand view is an intense roller coaster of emotion. I'm especially interested in the content, because Aaron Johnston was the co-writer and he worked on the screenplay for the movie, so the shots of the invasion will certainly be canon. What's shown in the trailer is accurate to the text thus far. That's cool. Gosh, and Mazer's story is hair-raising at times. Wow.

Ancelotti is confirmed for Real Madrid. He said Zidane will be assistant coach on the bench ZIZOUUUUUUUUUUU! I will shit rainbows whenever Özil/Zidane interaction happens. The young and excellent Isco was announced today, too. I'm feeling very hopeful about the next season.

I've developed quite a relationship with the Scrub Jays that visit our backyard. There are four. Each with distinct personalities/behaviors. Never a dull moment. I should post about them. Maybe some video! We'll see.

First teaser for Junsu's album and MV. Haunting and delicious.
He said there would be bright summery fun and also darkness.
I'll take it. All of it.



But nothing is as important as what happened in the wee morning hours on Tuesday.
My nephew was born. He's the first of the next generation on both sides of my family.
The feeling is incredibly foreign. It's strange to think of my brother as a father.
So strange.
It's only because we're so different.
He, the gregarious, independent, married, adult.
Me... the polar opposite.
I can't begin to fathom taking on that kind of responsibility.
Utterly beyond me in every way. Makes me anxious just thinking about it.

But the little one, not so little actually despite being two weeks early, is perfectly healthy. With a full head of hair. No red though. Heh.
Welcome to the world, W!

Just a patina...

A Paisley Patina.
Liked that tangle so I messed with it in Photoshop. Finally posting something that looks vaguely more finished for once. ^^
Paisley/boteh has a fascinating history. One of those things that you touch on in art history and then see it everywhere you look. Love those old elements of deeply shared culture and design going waaaay back.

Flash, Crash, Rumble and Troll...

Ouch.
Hiccuping while yawning is not fun.

Haven't had hiccups in... I can't remember how long and they're frequent and violent all of a sudden. Almost as frequent and violent as the thunderstorm a couple nights ago.

Almost thought it was an earthquake during the first rumble. Then it was like an explosion  over our roof every few minutes. And it just went on and on and on and on. Usually such storms only last an hour at most around here. This thing was constant for like eight hours. Space-Time Continuum tearing itself a new one outside my window, shaking the whole house. Then the rain in the gutter hit this absurd rhythm like five spastic tap dancers in a contest to see who could keep me awake the longest...

THWAKTHWAKTHWAKTHWAKITYTHWICKTHACK

...which inspired a delightful dream in which a giant boar went on a rampage around the neighborhood, hooves THWIKITYTHAKING every which way, and also somehow able to hold and fire a revolver with the enthusiasm of Yosemite Sam. It was bloody and disturbing.

Moving on.

Sony crapped all over Microsoft at E3. I never took sides in the console war. I have an Xbox360 (won in an art contest) and a Wii, but I'll always prefer PC for games. Never had anything PlayStation. Xbox met gamer desires ahead of the curve for a long time, but now with the next generation of consoles, Xbox One and PS4, the tables have completely turned. It's like Xbox betrayed all the things gamers care about and PlayStation was all, "Really, bro? That's ain't cool."


Four for you PS4! You go PS4!

Was introduced to the awesome that is Betty Who. Her EP is available for free download and I've been listening to it on loop all week. Feels like the best elements of 80s pop. Exceptionally refreshing. It's a genre of music I wasn't really aware that I loved until I was smitten with almost every Infinite track (Kpop boyband) and tried to figure out why.

Answer = 80s

Real Madrid's season ended with naught to show for it. Big changes for next season. Mourinho is going back to Chelsea. Ancelotti seems to be the likeliest new manager, which could potentially be a good fit. Still waiting for big name transfers to happen. Essien-the-gorgeous and Higuain-the-Pipita are out. Bale-who-loves-Cristiano, maybe? Suarez-who-bites-people, maybe? Pretty sure the Germans are staying. Mesut definitely.

Mesut's wax figure was revealed recently. I didn't have high hopes. So many of them are uncanny valley creepy or miss the likeness in important ways... and Mesut has weird features anyway. But it turned out fucking brilliant. I gasped loudly when I saw the first pictures.
 My thoughts exactly, Mes. It's scary.
Scary accurate.

Watched a bunch of the World Cup Qualifiers in the Americas today. Mexico vs. Costa Rica was heated. USA vs. Panama surprised the hell outta me. USA had flow like a top-level European team. Must be Klinsmann's influence. Nice to see. We won 2-0. Dunno if they can hold that together against better teams though.

I've been doing lots of these little doodling scraps to test my fingers. Haven't had a blow-up this calendar year. I think I'll try to get back to some painting soon. Taping is still working for now. My mom picked up one of those decorative wooden letters at a craft store and asked me to, "Just do something with it," for my sister-in-law's baby shower. Sanded. Primed. Painted. It was ocean-themed, so I Zentangled it appropriately and came up with this:

The 'back' looks better. I like the starfish.

'Twas meticulous and fun.

So yeah, more painting is in order. I'm hoping to do a huge FSM on a canvas for fun. It's simple, but I sketched it out and it made me giggle, so I think it should be a thing.

About to watch the Game of Thrones finale. Glad they got the RW out of the way last week.

Mad Men was likewhoooooaaaaaaaaaa this week and still two more episodes left! Whew.

Finally got around to seeing a couple movies. Wreck-It Ralph was absolutely fabulous. Best video game inspired movie ever ever EVER. So good and adorable and the nostalgia and the feelz!

I also really thoroughly enjoyed The Hobbit. Looked gorgeous. Great casting. The CGI and scale-doubling was way more effective than it was in LotR. Major upgrade. Riddles in the Dark was absolute perfection in every way. Gollum is just... yeesh... so amazing. When he rests his chin during the game... I may have squeaked out loud. Andy Serkis, man. The silliness and camp hit all the right notes, imo. Even the end, which was so over-the-top, worked. A+

Les Miserables, on the other had, was a huge let down. Never read the book. Never saw any production of it previously. I was vaguely familiar with a couple of the songs. Somehow, I had gotten it in my head that Les Mis was one of the best musicals ever. Like top 5. Best songs. Best story. So, it's probably my fault for assuming it would be good. Turns out, the story is so basic an Elementary School kid could write it and requires immense suspension of disbelief in the choices of characters. Musically, the themes are lovely, but few and similarly simple. I was shocked. As for the movie, it was beautiful looking and I LOVE the idea of the live singing throughout. The problem was I could hardly stand the voices of the main cast. Jackman was so nasal and forced sounding. Seyfried was obnoxious with that high warble thing she was doing. Crowe was... hard to listen to at all. Redmayne seemed like he was passing a kidney stone the whole time. They're such big roles with so much singing to do. I feel like these casting choices killed it by default. A lot of the secondary characters were actually trained singers and brilliant. The kids, too. Brilliant. And the comedy characters with Helena and Sacha were great. Why couldn't they do that with the WHOLE cast?!?!!

This is turning into a rant. Oh, dear. Here's the deal. You make a movie and acting is the medium through which a story is conveyed. The best acting is effortless. You don't see the acting. You just believe that the actor is that character. Likewise, you make a musical and singing is the medium through which a story is conveyed. And the best musical actors are the ones who are effortless singers. You just accept that singing is their natural method of communication. Nothing is forced.

So, if you're going to make a cinematic movie of Les Mis, then do it with actors and acting alone. If you want to make a cinematic movie of the musical Les Mis, then do it with musical actors and singing alone. They were perfectly capable of doing this. They even did it halfway with the cast, but the critical characters being insufferable to listen to just ruined it for me. That being said, Anne Hathaway was a good decision. I'm not much a fan, but she absolutely melted my face off. She sang like a natural and sounded great. So, kudos for that.

Meh. Anywhoozle, I finished watching it and immediately watched South Korea's little special performance during their version of the Tony Awards. Everything sounds better in Korean. Junsu in all his bleached Der Tod hair glory as Marius. Lol.

I feel better now.

I still think the story is garbage.

Oh, that reminds me. Not the garbage part. The Junsu part. Apparently Junsu is going to have a new solo album out in July. Holy shit on a biscuit! I should know better than to be surprised. Whenever he seems like he's not working... he is. THRILLED. I. AM. Plus, he'll be in the short second run of Elisabeth later in the year. Gadzooks this post is looooong. And getting longer. Am I done? I think I'm done.

WAIT.

First Desolation of Smaug trailer out today. Come at me, Thranduil!!!  

LEGGGGGYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Oh lawd, if Peter gets some Gloin/Legolas interaction in there, I'll piss myself. It's hard to see Evangeline as anyone but Kate. Hopefully, that won't get in the way of whatever her new character is.

DEM BARRELS THOUGH.

XD

Okay, I'm done.

And the hiccups are gone. ^^

All tangled up...

Four to tangle...

Hyperbole and a Half

There is this other Allie on the internet.
Surely, there are many many Allies on the internet and I count myself among them. But this one is special. This Allie is the creator of Hyperbole and a Half and she's internet famous. Many a meme launched from Allie's posts.
For example:

You can't appreciate the quality of her work unless you read through her whole blog. Grab some Depends, because you will piss yourself laughing.

You might also cry a lot.

It depends how the darker humor strikes you.

For me, it often hit very raw nerves.

Then Allie disappeared. She didn't post for a long time and the internet became concerned about her welfare. Where did she go? Why didn't she post? Was she okay? After a long gap from May to October in 2011, she posted Adventures in Depression, which answered those questions. I felt like my face was melting with tears by the end. Allie and I have a little too much in common on the depression front. What I saw in that post I had been through multiple times since I was 10. The endless lows. The spirals into terribleness. The feeling of invincibility that followed.
Rinse. Repeat.

She disappeared again (aside from confirming her alive-ness on reddit a year ago)... until today.

Depression Part Two

Took a while to get through it.
Scroll. Sob until no longer able to see. Tissue-mop face and wait.
Scroll. Sob until no longer able to see. Tissue-mop face and wait.
Scroll. Sob until no longer able to see. Tissue-mop face and wait.
Rinse. Repeat.

This other Allie, I don't know how she does it. With the shittiest BEST drawings in the world she manages perfect accuracy. Her year has looked remarkably like my year. And while I wouldn't wish that suffering on anyone, it's a comfort to know other people get it, because they've been through the same shit and are still dealing with it. Plus, have the creativity and courage to depict the experience and share it with the world.

Dear Allie,

You have brought me comfort... and I hope that brings you some comfort.

Sincerely,

Allie

27

The backyard is blooming.

Kind of a Fibonacci birthday this year. 5-8-13. At least under the day-month-year model.
27 years old. Going on 7.

A football morning.
Real Madrid vs. Malaga. An exciting game, which ended 6-2 in our favor. All eight goals came from different players. Rather unusual. One of the six was Özil's.

A break sent him sprinting down the pitch. He didn't have much help, so Mesut dodged and danced his way to this lovely right-footed shot. He also nutmeg-ed a linesman from behind when he was setting up a corner. CHEEEEEEEEKY. I'm still giggling about it. Sadly, he got clipped awkwardly by a Malaga player late in the game. His ankle did something funny and he went down, stayed down, and looked like he was in a lot of pain. Tried to stand on it, nopenopenope, and sat right back down. Got stretchered off. ;;___;;
He has such a supple, delicate quality to his football, and is so contact-shy, that he's barely ever been injured. It's very disconcerting. Not to mention the Copa del Rey final on the 17th... the only chance for RM to show that this season wasn't an absolute failure. Yeesh.
MESSSUUUUUUT!
ANIMO MESUT!!!!!

Asa Butterfield was sweet/hilarious in a reddit AMA this morning. He's playing Ender in the very very very very very long awaited film adaptation of my favorite book ever (for sentimental reasons). I've followed the happening, not happening, happening, not happening progress of this movie for what feels like half my life. Lol. While Orson Scott Card has gone completely hyper Mormon crazy, I still love these books dearly.

The trailer was released yesterday.



The blockbuster-ification was inevitable and expected. Whoever made the trailer either never read the book or is teasing on purpose to confuse us. Wouldn't be the first time a trailer gave the impression of a very different movie. That being said, it's... better than I thought it would be. It won't be true to the books, but that never bothers me about adaptations. I like the look of it though. I like Asa as Ender. All the shiny lens-flares make it look like a kid's version of the newer Star Trek, which is funny to me.

The Ender's Game in my head is far darker and grittier, but I have no objection to this crystalline bright look. It still trips me out that a lot of the technology Card put into the novels in the 80s, which was fantasy at the time, is part of our daily lives now. The computer 'desks'. The digital palm-reading locks. THE INTERNET. Haha. It makes sense that they had to up the ante on the tech for the movie. Much of what was very futuristic then, is very normal now.

I want funny Dink. I want intense Petra. I want the Giant's Drink.
I require Bean.

If that happens, I'll be cool with the result, no matter how much of a departure it is.

Until then...

The Enemy's Gate is Down.

Irksome winds...

The wind picked up in the last hour. It's that hot, stuffy, claustrophobic kind of wind. Wind is one of those things that I'm obnoxiously sensitive to. It's akin to that damn scratchy tag in your shirt that feels like it's stabbing you every two seconds. Except it's all over my skin and constant. Wind gives me a headache, makes me itchy everywhere, and makes my eyes and nose hurt, even if I'm not outside. Something about the atmosphere changes. Barometric pressure something-or-other. It makes me feel crazy. I want to peel all my skin off. Rip my hair out. Beat my head against a wall. Like... crazy crazy.

Wind like this makes it impossible to sleep and that makes me feel especially crazy crazy.

Illustrated a baby shower invitation for my sister-in-law. Here's a little thumbnail. Beach themed, obviously. Sandpiper and a sand dollar there. 'Twas fun. Good test for my fingers after not doing much since the new year. Taped them up thoroughly. No problems so far. Though the nails have grown out looking all warped and discolored from the last time they blew up. Lovely.

Oh yeah, Champions League... *cough*

...

Ahem, speaking of irksome. -_______-

Things were going splendidly in Madrid there for a while. Mesut even got a couple of braces in their last few games. Then the first leg against Dortmund happened. Mourinho made kind of an odd starting 11 choice and we lost spectacularly 4-1. Ouch. Barcelona lost 4-0 to Bayern, too. Bigger ouch.

2nd leg was this morning. A 3-0 was the required scoreline to advance to the finals. The game was 0-0 for freaking ever. In the last 20 minutes or so, Real scored. Mesut assisted. Then scored again.

We had the momentum. We were one goal short of the finals.
Of course, Dortmund was smart and time-wasted, fouled, had a player stretchered off with an injury, fouled, time-wasted some more, aaaaaaaaaand...

That was it. Real Madrid won 2-0, but lost on aggregate. *sigh* La Decima?
Not this year.  
waaaaaahagainwaaaaahhhhh.

WE WERE RIIIIIGHT THERRRRRRRRE.

Really bummed for Iker and Sergio and the rest of the dedicated Club players.
Distraught for Mesut.
But... my teams, in order:
1. German National Team
2. Real Madrid
3. Borussia Dortmund
4. Bayern Munich

I love me some Germans. Barca's 2nd leg is tomorrow. If Bayern can crush them further, the Germans will have pwned the Champions League. This would please me greatly. If it can't be Mesut and Sami, at least it can be a bunch of their teammates.

I just keep thinking of the power of the German team for the World Cup next year and my mood improves significantly. They. Are. Beasts.

Go away wind!
You aren't wanted here!

What a week...

What. A. Week.

Boston bombing and manhunt. Bombing in Iraq. Texas fertilizer plant explosion. Earthquakes in Iran and China. Of course, deadly things are happening all the time. It's inescapable. But it still feels like a week of especially strange deadliness.

I followed the mayhem in Boston closely. Reddit was always up. The police scanners were always running. I know a couple folks in the area. And my dad ran the marathon just a few years ago with the local running club, so I know what kind of effort and special planning is required to take part. There were 14 locals there this year. A handful of them had just finished or were a few minutes from finishing at the time of the explosions. Eerie.

Reddit really was quite incredible. A blog post was just put up, which summarizes what happened there. I didn't really participate, but it was fascinating to watch it unfold in real-time. I was grateful to the site as the traditional TV news media is increasingly abysmal at reporting during such incidents.

Many Youtubers weighed in on Boston, but I liked mickeleh's video the most.


Now that days have passed, I'm noticing more how unsettled I am about Boston and the suspects. I know I'm not alone in this. Many are vengeful in their reaction. Execute him, skin him alive, make him suffer for the rest of his days. But many feel like I do.

I can't go there. I simply can't. This 19 year old kid (as far as can be assumed with what we know) was responsible for at least some of the carnage. The bombing victims, the murdered officer, the firefights, and the potential will to cause more harm with stored up explosives. Yes. All of that. He's the scum of the universe for his part, whatever it was. But I desperately crave the 'why'. This kid's Twitter feed could easily be one of my own friends. The bits of his life recorded to the net over the years build an image that is the polar opposite of what he did in Boston. For this... I want to know. I want to understand. I can accept that he might be a sociopath. His persona carefully orchestrated. Sure. But this feels too easy. Too simple. There is more story here. The brother. The broken family. The isolation.

If not the sociopath, then what? What pressure? What threat? What desperation or fear drove him to do this? I'm eerily reminded of an episode of LOST. Sayid's backstory in season one. Weird.

I wonder if he'll provide answers... silently if his voice never returns. Maybe he will answer. Maybe it will be all lies. But I want it. I want to know what justification, what reason, was in his head. Whatever it was, it will be wrong. But I want to know it. The craving for it lingers with me. Enough so that if the answer never comes it will bother me for a long time.
It shouldn't. But I can feel that it will.

Assortment of Finals...

KPOPPY:
Finally, posted the link to the kpop subreddit, which was my intention since early on in the process of making the site a 'thing'. Got a tremendous response, so I'm encouraged to keep it updated and keep working on the code. Added a whole 'More...' section to the Music page that took forever, but I'm happy with.
It's nice to have an ongoing thing to work on. Although, I'm frying my retinas from staring at code all the time.
@_@

FANGIRLING:
A fan streamed VIDEO from the second two nights of JYJ at Tokyo Dome. That was rather wonderful. The concert was seriously impressive... on a global scale, not just a Jpop/Kpop scale. Apparently, Junsu is the one that suggested Jaejoong sing 'Glamorous Sky', which is a song I've loved for ages--written by Hyde and performed by Nana Mikashima. And supposedly Hyde was in the audience for the finale show. Wild. As someone who got to Kpop THROUGH Jrock... that's a mind-eff. Jae did a lovely job. Really a spectacular show.

FOOTBALL:
Real Madrid had a brilliant first half of their second leg against Galatasaray and then went to sleep for the second half. Gala scored 3 goals rather rapidly. I started getting Germany-Sweden flashbacks. In the end, their excellent performance during the first leg 3-0, kept them afloat with Gala winning 3-2 in the second. Oh, and between those games they played Levante. 5-1. Mesut scored two goals in the space of like 5 minutes. That was cute. He almost looked apologetic when it happened.

More importantly, the results are in...

Well said, Mes. Well said.

Champion's League semi-finalists: Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund, Barcelona, and Real Madrid.
RM have already played Barca so many times this season... hopefully they'll draw someone else. No idea what will happen though. Bayern is incredibly strong. Dortmund is young and creative. They could surprise everyone. Barca is methodical and patient. Real is totally unpredictable this season. Sheer genius one minute. Absolute crap the next. But they want La Decima and they want it bad! Certainly, they'll be exciting games. whatever the draw is!

EDIT:
3:40am Friday. The UCL draw just finished. Happens to be the most favorable draw for Real.
1st leg...
Bayern (home) vs. Barca
Dortmund (home) vs. RM

2nd leg at home for us. Woo! And still... if tragedy strikes and we lose--I love Dortmund, so it's a guarantee that one of my favorite teams will be in the final. ^^

Diminishing distance...

The Red Ocean returns to the Dome in full force!

I should be sleeping.
Juventus v. Bayern and Barca v. PSG in the morning. Big UCL matches.
Really want to see Zlatan and Messi going head-to-head.  
BUT...
Instead I'm listening to a live audio stream straight from the Tokyo Dome.
JYJ have returned after 4 years of hell to play a series of sold-out shows.
It's Day 1 and a very dedicated Chinese fan is streaming it.
I love technology. It makes the World so small.
I also love Japanese fans for being so reverently quiet during performances and dialogue bits.
Jaejoong just riled up a gender war. Called out the fanboys to yell. Then the ladies. Hilarity.

The feelz though... the feeeeeeelz. It's an event of special magnificence.
I started crying as soon as the feed started. Eep.


Ahem.
Real Madrid's CL match against Galatasaray on Wednesday.
That'll be... fun? Terrifying? I'll hope for fun and leave it at that.


Oh geez~~
They're singing Fallen Leaves now.
Seriously real-time feelz.
Save me, Kleenex!

I'm going to wetly hiccough myself to bed... after the encore. ^^

JYJ 愛してるよ！！！

KPOPPY IS GO!!!

Just now made all my updates live. It was supposed to be a frivolous project to occupy my time. Then my brain turned into OCCUPY KPOPPY 24/7. Heh. Anyway, it's up. Not going to pick over it more for a few days. Need to look again with fresh eyes. Plus, it's completely raw as far as testing how valid the code is. I'm afraid to! Usually I check code every step of the way when I'm working on a site. Completely threw that out of the window this time, so I'm sure it's riddled with ugly errors.

YADA FRITADA!

KPOPPY

Update: Less errors than I thought there would be. Nipped and tucked a few things and now the CSS and HTML validates just fine. Everything turned out better than expected!

Voices...

Freshened up a bit.

Lee Hi just released her first full album. She was discovered on Kpopstar, which is an X-Factor style show in South Korea. There are some decent tracks on the album. It's not a typical Kpop sound for a 16 year-old. but this one. Dream. Is incredible. Semi-awkward English aside, I can't stop listening to it. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

I guess it's obvious by now that I have a weakness for unique voices.
Damaged. Hoarse. Dark. Soulful.
She sure has it.

Her voice is like a smoother/younger version of ALi who is an absolute beast.
Hateful Person
Father
That's all.
Music, as always, getting me through.
Thinking about planting some stuff in the garden.

Exploding skulls...

You think you're managing some stability and then it disintegrates into fumes again.

I never really had headaches before the zoloft horror-show. The only time was when traveling long distances in the car. I'd get a dull ache that could last a couple days. Those silly travel sickness wristbands that seem like a snake oil thing actually worked for me. No headache at all. Otherwise, not a headache kind of person. Certainly nothing in migraine territory.

I've had about five ocular migraines since that awful freaking day/month on zoloft, the most recent of which was on Monday morning. The scintillation seemed to pop in from nowhere, quickly grew huge and dazzling, and dissipated quicker than the others. Twenty minutes later, the pain hit. There was a jackhammer boring its way out of my my left brow and forehead for upwards of seven hours. A couple hours in I curled up in my bed, fighting nausea with my whole being. Lost that battle. Emptied my stomach multiple times, which for an emetophobe is worst-case scenario. Shaking like a dog shitting razorblades. Writhed and dug deeper into my bed, trying to block out all light, and just... keep... breathing.

Finally managed an hour or two of sleep late that night. Woke exhausted. Head sore. Ate a little. Had a long talk with the folks about the fresh levels of despair. If the Universe was a sentient thing, with vengeful qualities, the last handful of years would be payback for all my complacency. Never did anything risky or reckless or rebellious. Never got into trouble. Kept my grief and depression to myself as a personal challenge. I took the gentle course as often as possible avoiding inherent danger and adventure. I feel like the Universe is reprimanding me for being a wuss. And I'm falling apart.

It's possible that the migraines will be a thing now. It's not uncommon, especially among young women. I just feel like I have no tools to deal with it. I don't have the energy to face surprise skull-explosions along with all the rest. One. More. Thing.

I'm tired.

---------------------------------------------------------
Slept a ton Monday night and woke to watch the big game against Manchester United. I was craving quiet, warm, and soft all day. So I stayed in bed and found a stream on my computer. Kept the sound off. Just watched.

Interesting game. The first half was pretty uneventful. Poor Sese got an own goal, which should have never happened because ManU's play was offside to begin with. The second half got REALLY interesting. Nani got a red card for high-cleating Arbeloa in the ribcage. Ow. ManU went down a man. Modric came on, found space in the middle of nowhere, and HAMMERED it into the net. I'm so happy for him! It hasn't been an easy transition into Madrid, but what a moment to make up for it! Only a few minutes later...

A lovely team goal. Modders passes forward to Pipita. Mesut's sweet little backheel return to Pipita who knocks it across the goal... to be tapped in by Crispy. Real Madrid won 2-1. Phew! I feel bad for ManU about the red card (even though I think it was deserved). The momentum changed a lot after that.

Real Madrid's last four games: ManU 1-1, Barcelona 1-3, Barcelona 1-2, ManU 1-2.

Brutal. Take a freakin' vacation guys!

After the game, I slept through most of the day. Just felt worn down to nothing. Better now, but dreading what is to come in the future. Blah.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

JYJ are playing Tokyo Dome. Having won all their lawsuits they're able to sign with a new label in Japan. I think they're trying to keep it quiet until the concerts. Many are hoping for Pony Canyon. Either way, going back to Tokyo Dome is a huge deal. Some fun pictures and videos have come out on Naver. This one could not be cuter, funnier, or more bittersweet...

Gotta love that oldschool YooSu throwback.  

Will there ever be a day when all five perform Hug again?

Makes you wonder.

The Little Mermaid

SWEET FANCY MOSES! The Little Mermaid is up on PBS's site! HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!?!??!!!!

So... like... if you wanna have your mind blown by the San Francisco Ballet. If you want to watch something haunting and beautiful and heartwrenching. If you have a few hours to kill...

WATCH THIS BRILLIANCE!

Yuan Yuan Tan is crazy strong and crazy exquisite. I've seen her perform in SF so many times and she's always immense, but this piece is made for her and she's simply ridiculous in it. We're not talking Disney, of course. It's Hans Christian Andersen.
It's dark. Daaaaaaaark. And stunning.

Watch The Little Mermaid from San Francisco Ballet on PBS. See more from Great Performances.

Oh yeah, Real Madrid stomped Barcelona 3-1. Nearly finished with a clean sheet. How 'bout them apples! Mesut danced his way to a corner and delivered yet another beautiful header for the baby giraffe, Varane. Hell of a start for a 19 year-old defender. As far as I know, he has scored 3 goals for RM and all three were headers off of passes/corners from Mesut. This season is proving quite exciting despite chronic troubles. Copa del Rey finals in the bag and the 2nd leg against ManU for the Champions League next Tuesday. Hala Madrid!