The winter rains in California are proving their worth in full. Baboon flower in vibrant bloom.
Spearmint. Luxuriant.
Three cheers for that.
31.
I just jumped through my last five birthday entries. All variations of 'I'm a miserable mess, trying to get by, relying on the little things'.
Yup.
Same.
Doing art when I can. Working on Project for Awesome stuff to donate at the end of the year and a similar charity/auction thing in the summer. That'll go to London. I'll probably be posting some of that soon-ish.
I have things to say about reddit's /r/place April Fools shindig from this year.
Also Trixie Mattel's folk album. Future posts.
Day to day, it's getting enough food in me, getting some exercise, chores while listening to podcasts, feeding the birds, reading a bit (currently the Kingkiller Chronicle), keeping up with Kpop posts on my blog and Essential, a little tinkering with my KPOPPY re-coding project, watching a few shows and my youtube subscriptions, art when my fingers are feeling good, and sleep. Rinse. Repeat.
With a steadier constitution I think more on some blunt realities.
For example, I haven't left this city in five years, but I don't know what it looks like. I know my street and the park a bit (PokemonGo), but...
Took a drive with Ma not long ago. Hadn't been in a car in all that time. Incredibly disorienting. She didn't go far. Just beyond the neighborhood. But it was hard for me.
Disorienting... yeah.
Vertigo almost.
Vertiginous is the word.
Not just the movement of the car. But the reality of viewing an area that I've been inside of continuously, but haven't been witness to. My house is a time machine. My life for five years is a blur within it. Everywhere else is changed.
It was overwhelming and hard enough for me to live out in the world when I was running at peak capability. Even as I get better, it's beyond daunting to think about re-entering it when my illness is still so present. It's fair to say the illness was always there, but I had only been white-knuckling it all along. Couldn't ever form a contingency plan. So when my hands metaphorically ripped off, I went flying. And now I don't have anything to reliably hold on with.
Just left looking for my hands.
Not sure if that's even what I should be doing.
White-knuckling is clearly not sustainable.
There's a certain healing comfort to the routine I'm in now. But the awareness that I'm a hair's breadth from doom at any time is always there. If something happened to my folks. If I got sick in a more emergent way. Shit happening in general. deep breath
And always the friends and family who I am utterly isolated from, unable to see or support.
I have a niece I've only really met through screens.
The positive up-tick in things of late considered... that kinda thing fucks me up on the daily.
Gotta take a towel to my cheeks and go watch the birds.
Mysteriously busted my calf muscle a couple weeks ago. Almost thought I had a blood clot or something. Incredibly sore and painful, but didn't know how I had done it. No swelling or bruising while it was excruciating. Magically disappeared after a few days. Some bruising showed up days later. Strange.
Maybe I'm reaching an age where that kind of thing hits harder and more randomly. My body has always been pretty resilient and un-pained. Remarkably so with 10 years of ballet, including pointe. Or un-remarkably? Hard to say.
Little things.
An American Gods TV series started on Starz. First two episodes were pretty fantastic. As much as the penultimate plotline in the book was difficult for me for personal reasons, the mythology referenced is a delight. My favorite reading material growing up. Greek, Norse, Egyptian, a multitude of others. Significantly responsible for my de-conversion from Christianity and arrival at agnostic atheism. Pure fun to see these characters brought to life on screen. Done very well too. Not for the prudish or faint of heart to watch, but worth it so far.
Also watching the new season of Produce101 in the Kpop realm. All boys this time. We're calling it Broduce101. The first big cut brought it from 101 to 60. I lost 4 dudes I was checking for in it. About 15 others I'm still rooting for. Mnet is sticking to the season 1 format pretty closely, which I'm pleased about.
On the note of competition shows, spoilery RuPaul's Drag Race update after the cut.
But first, a relevant Saturday Night Live sketch that just aired:
DRAG WILL
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Movement as of episode 7:
- Sasha Velour --
- Shea Couleé +2
- Trinity Taylor +10
- Valentina +6
- Peppermint -3
- Nina Bo Nina +3
- Alexis Michelle -7
- Farrah Moan -2
Charlie Hides(was 5)Eureka(was 7, left for injury)Jaymes Mansfield(was 8)Aja(was 11)Kimora Blac(was 12)Cynthia Lee Fontaine(added in episode 2)
Mostly the folks I had good impressions of have done well and those I didn't have been eliminated, which is interesting. The biggest movements are from Valentina and Trinity.
Valentina's Meet the Queens was almost completely vapid. But she has been a force of nature. Extremely capable in the challenges. Pulling a Violet so far. Rumors are afoot that she has a major fall from grace soon. Could be juicy.
Trinity's MtQ was mostly about being a pageant queen and I am admittedly biased against them. In past seasons they've been the most cut-throat mean-spirited and inflexible in challenges. Trinity is absolutely killing it though. The 'pageant' beef played up between her and Eureka was obnoxious, but Trinity pushed through and has excelled since Eureka left for tearing her ACL. Charlie also kind of left due to an injury she picked up in the same challenge. NO MORE CHEERLEADING CHALLENGES FOR YOU, RPDR! Ha.
So that was my mid-tier ladies gone. Jaymes was far too anxious to perform well.
So that was my mid-tier ladies gone. Jaymes was far too anxious to perform well.
Sasha and Shea are the bee's knees. I would be ecstatic if either of them won. Shea winning would be wonderful as the first Chicago queen to do so, IIRC. And she's fuckin' brilliant. Sasha is an art nerd, so I can't help but root for her, but she's also the type to do amazingly regardless of a win/loss post-show. Really run with the boost. Nina's painting and pads are a thrill every week. But she has some demons to battle with, not entirely of her own making. She's still living at home age 34. I feel for that deep in my bones. I'm not sure she can last long in the competition, but she's talented AF.
Pep is awesome, but struggles with improv, which is tough to overcome on this show.
Alexis and Farrah are both pretty strong contestants too, but when it gets to the nitty-gritty I think they might have a harder time and that's where we're heading. Alexis has a huge ego. Farrah has hard-earned insecurities.
I love this group still in the game though. I've seen that sentiment around fan communities. Everyone left is strong and cool. It's nice to be at this point and know that any winner won't be a bother from this pool. WOO!
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