Solutions...

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Robin Williams killed himself. I won't make any assumptions about his state of mind or circumstance, but it's interesting to see how people react to a high-profile suicide. The sentiment I have seen repeatedly this time around is that suicide is "A permanent solution to a temporary problem". I think Williams may have said that himself. Again, I won't assume he meant it or not. It's probably something I would be inclined to say if I was a famous celebrity, though I don't believe it myself.

It's always that dream for me. I believe I've mentioned it here somewhere. I suffocated to death in a dream and it was the most real dream I've ever experienced. As far as I was concerned, I had died, and it was wholly convincing. To the degree that I woke from it more confused than I have ever been.

Many have said that Williams might have not done it if he was interrupted or someone told him how much he was loved. Said he would regret it if he was thinking clearly and had time to reflect.

All I know is that I regretted waking.
I regretted that the relief was stolen from me.
I regretted that it was all a dream.
Many years have passed and I still do. More than ever.

There are 7 billion or so of us on the planet. Maybe a 100 billion have ever been born. There is no way that each and every one of those brains could be fully functional and fully capable of coping with self-awareness and existence through every moment. Some of us have brains that cause us to suffer, to be deceived by our own perception, or to be overwhelmed by default--whether depression or any other number of neurological difficulties. These are not always temporary problems. These are problems that can last as long as life does. Permanent problems. Problems where the only true solution is suicide. The universe does not owe anyone peace or comfort or stability and I personally think suicide can be a rational choice for those who are too exhausted or in too much pain to wait for relief that may never arrive.

Drugs? Sure. A temporary solution. And one that I see as a kind of suicide. All we are is our brains. Alter them and we are not what we were before. The old mind died to be replaced with a new and different one. The way I see it, we live many lives-- we live and die thousands of times. We age, we learn, alter ourselves, and we change into new people. For many, drugs can provide an excellent fresh set of lives, which is wonderful, but it can be a crap-shoot too arduous to suit everyone. One of those many lives will be the end of the story. I find no fault in choosing which life will be the last. It's all the same process to me.

We are forced to exist. We do not consent to it. But we can consent to how and when we cease.

If there was a button I could push. One that would *poof* me out of existence and out of the lives and memories of everyone I've ever known... a supreme "Obliviate!" if you will... I would press it now. I would have pressed it many years ago. And from where I sit now, it would have been a good decision. Because it can't always 'get better'. It can get worse. Much worse.

But there is no such button. So I stay.
It's not a great way to live... patiently waiting around to be given ethical permission to check out. I wouldn't recommend it.
But I'll stay. Try to contribute. And try to be as little a burden on the planet as I can be. And try to not feel guilty about that because apparently I'm not supposed to.

But I know every time someone talks about cowardice, or selfishness, or 'temporary problems' when it comes to suicide, I know they are privileged to not understand. I am hurt that they misunderstand so deeply. But I'm also happy that they've never felt what must be felt to understand at all.

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Something lighter next time. JYJ's new album, because it's beautiful.

And relief...

They did it!

They really did it!

For the last week or so, I had been having anxiety problems. More than the usual. Extremely uncomfortable. Not eating well. Panicky. Started wondering if there was something really wrong with me. But then I was also aware of the World Cup and my increasing nervous tension could possible be due to Germany's run stretching further and further.

Basically since the quarter-finals, this extra anxiety has been weighing heavier and heavier. I couldn't watch the final game against Argentina. Couldn't do it. I tried to sleep through it. Woke up around half-time, terrified. I had three dreams. The first two were of Germany losing. The last was a win. This was not comforting. Attempted to calm myself by reading for a while, glancing at the clock from time to time. Adrenaline surges rampant.

Then my brother texted me saying, "Best game winner I've ever seen".

I sprinted for the TV, shaking so hard I could barely work the remote. First thing I saw was Schurrle crying and my heart dropped through my feet. But then I saw Messi looking distraught and I knew...

GERMANY WON.

Oh my Ghandi, the relief.

And it took me a day to re-calibrate my nerves, but the recovery from that level of anxiety has been incredibly palpable. Like night and day. I wasn't even really aware how deep in I had gotten. It was bad. All I could feel was the tension and fear in my body. My heart-rate. Awkward breath. Nausea. Panic. Constantly. Everything else had faded out. So bad.

Thankfully, the relief really did come. Not that it wouldn't have come if they had lost. I just needed it to be over to be okay again. I'm just too invested in this team. It was awful to see all those guys go out in 2010, but they were so young. Then the Euros where they went down two against Italy and couldn't come back. I remember bursting into tears when Mesut scored that penalty in the dying minutes. But the result was just demoralizing.

And here we are, two years later, and those men pulled it off. The World Cup. Their fourth title.

And I'm watching the homecoming parade streaming from Germany. And it's beautiful. And I'm so fucking happy. They deserved it so much.

And I feel sooooo much better. Lmao. Dork. Getting back to normal!

Arsenal signed Alexis Sanchez. Debuchy will probably be signing as well. Rumors are still floating around that Mesut's perpetual bromancer Khedira might also be joining from Madrid, but the wages are super high, so that might not work out. At any rate, Arsenal is making some huge significant brilliant signings and the shape of the upcoming season is getting increasingly sexy. Ha! Much beautiful football to be had.

Now that I have my life back from World Cup madness. Time to get back to normal art stuff. Finishing up a few projects.

Soon!

Oh my...

7-1

...

That'll do.

Pressure...

Made this heading into the quarter-finals when there was still eight. Down to four now. The next two games are Brazil vs. Germany and Argentina vs. Netherlands. Absolutely massive. Spectacular tournament.

Heading into the previous Germany vs. France game, I thought Germany would go out. Rumor was a bunch of the players had the flu, the conditions were miserably hot, and France had much better results up until that game. But Germany scored early and dug in hard to hold onto that scoreline. Obviously, I'm rooting for Germany until the end, but Brazil are the hosts... and they've lost Silva to suspension and Neymar to a devastating injury. Wouldn't be surprising in the slightest if Brazil rallied through the adversity and came out on top. Thus far, Germany have done the bare minimum to advance. It has served them well, but they might get stuck in that gear and pay for it.

Nearly blacked out while washing dishes today. Pre-menstrual cramps hit early and hard. My uterus is a terrorist. Misery. My blood pressure increasingly seems to be on a hair-trigger. Little panics, flashbacks, or pain and all my blood goes rushing into my toes like there's a party down there. No matter how familiar I am with the sensation, it never fails to utterly incapacitate and terrify me.

I wonder if there will be a time in the future when circulatory systems can be robotically/artificially assisted...

Probably not in my lifetime, but still...

That would be rad.