Stars, death, and Death Stars...

I'm re-reading the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman. I first read it in... 8th grade? Which was... 15... 16 years ago? Oh my. Ahem. I loved them. Super interesting books. The major over-arching theme is science vs. the church, but it's a fun adventure story along the way. It also gets very dark. But it's very visual and imaginative, which always gets my brain pumping. I'm also looking forward to when the larger religion/science stuff gets bigger, because when I first read these books, I was still a 'believer' at least in a pantheistic kind of sense. I wonder what I'll get out of it as an atheist. They really could have made great movies. The Golden Compass adaptation was beautifully done, up to a point. The anti-church themes were diluted and then the plot was chopped right before the most critical point in the narrative at the end. Strange decision. The Catholic Church railed against the film enough that the rest of the series will probably never be made anyway.

This is why we can't have nice things.

So, I'm reading that and I've been watching some space-related stuff and some CERN studies and I'm trying to watch through the Star Wars: Clone Wars animated series on Netflix. I guess I'm just in a space, physics, celestial kind of mood. Spent a few hours drawing last night and pooped out this piece above. Not that it's good, it's a mess, but I had fun just starting and finishing something in one session. I'm working on so many other long-term projects right now, it's making me a bit nutty. I should do this more often. The one-night sessions.


Lots of star deaths recently. There was Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall and Joan Rivers... among others. And lots of 'holy shit I'm terrified of the world' deaths with the ISIS beheadings and Gaza and Ukraine. And something I've been dreading since I got into Kpop--a girl group, Ladies' Code, was travelling by van  after midnight, in a rainstorm, after finishing work... car accident. Three of the girls were in the car along with some staff members and I believe their manager was driving. One of the Ladies' Code girls died almost immediately it seems. EunB. And after a few days of risky surgeries, another of the girls succumbed to her injuries and passed away. RiSe.

South Korea doesn't have strict traffic laws or seatbelt laws. Many idols have gotten in wrecks over the years. Some with pretty brutal injuries. It's almost always the case that they're racing to their next scheduled activity, exhausted, driver exhausted, at odd hours of night, in bad weather. But after all those times, nothing was done. The industry doesn't change to protect these kids. And now two of them are dead.

I've personally lost a couple friends in car accidents, not their fault at all, in their early 20s, just barely beginning their lives. Being at the funeral of one of them was a gutting experience. Hearing parents beg for their children to be returned to them... distraught siblings... there aren't words really. You experience it once and it's too much. And that's just proximity. I could never have kids. I just couldn't do that. Whatever the balance of risk and reward. I couldn't. I can't stop thinking about the parents of those girls. The Sewol Ferry disaster. It hasn't been a good year for Korea and Kpop. The Ladies' Code girls really tore me up, because I so closely follow everything nowadays as I maintain Kpoppy. A lot of those idols are like friends to me. They have that kind of familiarity. One-sided, of course, but brains don't really register much of a difference. And selfishly and sickeningly I think of the JYJ guys and what I would do if something happened to them It's a miracle they've had only minor scrapes at this point. They travel so much and have stalkers following them dangerously all the time. Ugh. I don't know what I would do.

Ugh.

Should I not care so much? Am I not supposed to? How are you supposed to manage that line. Go through life uncaring of anything so as never to be hurt. Or care so much about things that the loss of them destroys you. What the hell do you do?

I'm still so shaken. I won't say anymore on it.


Clone Wars is getting slightly more interesting now. I'm nearing the end of the 6th season. One more season to go. I still don't know how I feel about Star Wars. I was raised on Star Trek. Star Wars always felt so cheap and simple by comparison. Still does. This animated series hasn't improved my opinion much, but it is nice-looking. BUT! I am excited about the new Star Wars movies forthcoming. Five in total slated, I think? A new trilogy and a couple stand-alones for Han Solo and Boba Fett. I like what JJ Abrams did (mostly) with the new Star Trek movies. I think he could do a good job with Star Wars. Well, there's no way he'd do worse than the prequels. Right? Lol. Star Wars could be something really beautiful and expansive. I always wished for that. The idea is there. Maybe we'll finally have something that meets it's potential.

Still struggling to get through the Star Trek original series. Oh gawd. I drag myself through one or two at a time and then have to avoid it for a couple weeks. The sexist stuff is just unbearable. Lmao. I'm clinging to Nimoy and Takei to get me through. XD

The Seamstress returns...

From this mess of an etching that I abandoned... to the new graphite version above. It'll probably go through another iteration at some point. The figure still has proportion problems that annoy me. And color. Maybe. I kind of dig the sepia though, even with it overpowering as it is. I should do something more with fabric. I like drawing fabric.

Rattled and rolled...

Big ol' earthquake here.
6.0 near American Canyon. About 25 miles southeast of us.

Just now able to type. Whole body was shaking hard for a while. I was still awake, as usual, watching Youtube. That eerie rumble started. Kind of an up and down jolting swell at the start. Then a proper long roller for about 30 seconds. I stumbled to the doorway of my room and called out "Earthquake!" aloud, 'cause my folks sounded startled and confused having been woken by it. Then they scrambled to join me in the hallway. Kept going for a bit longer.

Whew. Gonna be checking the earthquake preparedness kit and keep it close for the next week or so.

The next strongest earthquake I've felt was in '02-'03... can't remember. That was an even 5.0 with an epicenter about a quarter-mile from here. It was extremely violent. Side-to-side. About 15 seconds. Couldn't even stay upright while sitting on the floor for that one.

This one freaked me out more though. Just felt like it went on and on and on. Long loping rolls. Like being on the teetering deck of a tiny ship in a stormy ocean with swells and swells and swells. There's hardly been a shudder here since then. I've thought about it from time to time for a few years. Seemed like we were long overdue for something larger.

I freakin' love Twitter. Nice to go there immediately and have info and confirmation from around the Bay. Reddit, too. It pays to be on your computer at odd hours sometimes. Luckily we didn't lose power.

Settled down pretty nice here now. Glad my bodily tremors have mostly dissipated. Deep breaths and sighs.

Deep breaths and sighs.

Solutions...

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Robin Williams killed himself. I won't make any assumptions about his state of mind or circumstance, but it's interesting to see how people react to a high-profile suicide. The sentiment I have seen repeatedly this time around is that suicide is "A permanent solution to a temporary problem". I think Williams may have said that himself. Again, I won't assume he meant it or not. It's probably something I would be inclined to say if I was a famous celebrity, though I don't believe it myself.

It's always that dream for me. I believe I've mentioned it here somewhere. I suffocated to death in a dream and it was the most real dream I've ever experienced. As far as I was concerned, I had died, and it was wholly convincing. To the degree that I woke from it more confused than I have ever been.

Many have said that Williams might have not done it if he was interrupted or someone told him how much he was loved. Said he would regret it if he was thinking clearly and had time to reflect.

All I know is that I regretted waking.
I regretted that the relief was stolen from me.
I regretted that it was all a dream.
Many years have passed and I still do. More than ever.

There are 7 billion or so of us on the planet. Maybe a 100 billion have ever been born. There is no way that each and every one of those brains could be fully functional and fully capable of coping with self-awareness and existence through every moment. Some of us have brains that cause us to suffer, to be deceived by our own perception, or to be overwhelmed by default--whether depression or any other number of neurological difficulties. These are not always temporary problems. These are problems that can last as long as life does. Permanent problems. Problems where the only true solution is suicide. The universe does not owe anyone peace or comfort or stability and I personally think suicide can be a rational choice for those who are too exhausted or in too much pain to wait for relief that may never arrive.

Drugs? Sure. A temporary solution. And one that I see as a kind of suicide. All we are is our brains. Alter them and we are not what we were before. The old mind died to be replaced with a new and different one. The way I see it, we live many lives-- we live and die thousands of times. We age, we learn, alter ourselves, and we change into new people. For many, drugs can provide an excellent fresh set of lives, which is wonderful, but it can be a crap-shoot too arduous to suit everyone. One of those many lives will be the end of the story. I find no fault in choosing which life will be the last. It's all the same process to me.

We are forced to exist. We do not consent to it. But we can consent to how and when we cease.

If there was a button I could push. One that would *poof* me out of existence and out of the lives and memories of everyone I've ever known... a supreme "Obliviate!" if you will... I would press it now. I would have pressed it many years ago. And from where I sit now, it would have been a good decision. Because it can't always 'get better'. It can get worse. Much worse.

But there is no such button. So I stay.
It's not a great way to live... patiently waiting around to be given ethical permission to check out. I wouldn't recommend it.
But I'll stay. Try to contribute. And try to be as little a burden on the planet as I can be. And try to not feel guilty about that because apparently I'm not supposed to.

But I know every time someone talks about cowardice, or selfishness, or 'temporary problems' when it comes to suicide, I know they are privileged to not understand. I am hurt that they misunderstand so deeply. But I'm also happy that they've never felt what must be felt to understand at all.

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Something lighter next time. JYJ's new album, because it's beautiful.