An ugly month...

Backyard geraniums from May.

I wanted to start with flowers.

Something pretty to look at while I write.

Christina Grimmie was shot dead by some lunatic after her concert on June 10th. In front of her brother. I didn't follow her closely, but I follow and participate in a wide range of Youtube channels/communities. And I felt ill.

Two days later Pulse happened. 49 people killed and many wounded while having a great time at a gay club in Orlando. During Pride month. And that made me flee from news because I was trying to avoid a panic attack. But caught enough of a news blurb about the horror of first responders coming on the scene to the eerie sound of the victims cell phones ringing together as their loved ones desperately tried to find out if they were okay.
And that triggered some bad panics, which meant the typical of little eating, no sleeping, black hole of pain in the chest for days.

In the midst of this JYJ's Yoochun was accused of sexually assaulting a woman.
Shock and dismay.
Then another accuser and another and another and another and...
We're at 5 or 6 now, spanning over the last couple years. Looks like a pattern.  TRIGGER WARNING. They all worked at adult entertainment bars, he lured them into a bathroom 'so they could talk', locked the door, and assaulted/raped them, except for one (the 5th) who came forward with the same story, but that she fought back so hard he let her go eventually. /TW

The news reporting on this case has been totally ridiculous and irresponsible mind you. Lots of misinformation and conflicting reports. The investigation is ongoing. Suffice it to say here that I think he won't be charged with anything, but I side with the victims.

Already ailing from the Orlando panic attacks, this properly drained the life out of me.

Then Anton Yelchin was killed by his own car in a terrible freak accident. He is/was my favorite part of the new Star Trek reboots. Like I would literally tune in if the first movie was airing on TV just for his parts then watch something else. By all indications was an extremely talented young actor with huge potential and adored by everyone he worked with. Seemed like a real genuine fellow.

Then the significant terror attacks that made news here. Turkey, Afghanistan, Bangladesh... all the escalation during Ramadan and Eid.

And Brexit.

And nutcase Trump.

And Clinton being exonerated despite so much shit and apparently Chelsea Manning recently attempted suicide.

Then Alton Sterling and Philando Castile in rapid succession...

And I barely want to look at the fire fight, sniper fire, fucking whatever is happening in Dallas after the protests right now. 5 officers killed.

...

None of these things are equivalent, of course. Each their own kind of horror and nightmare.
I kept wanting to write something, but felt I needed to wait for my own health until there was some kind of reprieve... which never came.

Purely selfish grief. I'm in no line of fire or blast radius or losing family members or getting assaulted. But I feel a little bit like I did after 9/11. Numb and anxious trying to keep it together with that footage on TV in class all day every day during the week. I remember taking a shower that next weekend and just falling apart. Exhausted tears.

Feel like that right now. Just a little bit. Smaller scale. A similar kind of emotional exhaustion.

Life is so good, generally speaking. The world is on average a much kinder, freer, less-violent, and less painful place to be alive in right now. And my mostly gentle privileged tiny slice of that is vastly better than it is for many.

I suppose it's just the hyper-connectedness of information, which amplifies feelings of helplessness and frustration when there's so little I could possibly do.

Probably stupidly shallow, but Iceland's performance at the Euros was this itty bitty ball of joy through all this. Thanks, Iceland.


Inhale. Exhale.
I'll have to face a very different kind of JYJ music at some point here.
There's just this sickening limbo of not knowing wtf is going on.
Jaejoong has the advantage of military isolation. Junsu is in the middle of his concert tour and very clearly determined to give 1000% to audiences that don't want to dwell on the horror of his bandmate's alleged behavior.
But there's this fear that if Yoochun is completely let off that they'll still promote with him.
They shouldn't. Cut ties. Protect themselves if they have nothing like this to hide.
But what an awful position to put them in. After everything they've been through.
After all the fans did to support them.

Enough on that.

Enough.